Through My Eyes

Admission so far away....

2012-01-25T02:38:00.000-08:00

Monday came too fast, yet couldn't come fast enough. It's the first day of treatment for C, and we'll soon find out IF he can be helped.

Wayne and I got up early, and I mean in the middle of the night. We had to drive to the other side of town to pick up C from Sonora Behavioral Health Hospital at 3:30am. He was barely awake, hair messed up. He looked like my baby, fresh out of bed. It took awhile to get him changed into real clothes, sign paperwork, get paperwork for new hospital admission, and then we were on our way....

C and I flew from here to Las Vegas, caught another plane and landed in Reno about 9am. The Willow Springs Center paid for a taxi (airline tickets too by the way), and we were eagerly both looking out the window for what would become C's new home for the next 5 or more months.

I have never been to Reno. It had snowed the night before, so the mountains were covered, and it was so beautiful! There were only traces of snow on the ground, but C was fixated on snow and throwing a snowball. He was bummed he couldn't find enough snow to throw. Lucky me.

And then I saw it, Willow Springs Center, and it was a beautiful building, and all of a sudden all my worries ceased. Just like that. It was an answer to prayer. I hadn't even met anyone yet, or had seen the inside, but it was almost instant, and I knew he was in the right place.

We entered the building, fresh flowers everywhere. Tulips.. springtime. Hope. We sat down with Maria, and she helped us finish up all the admissions paperwork. She was so nice, and instead of crying like I thought I would, ended up laughing with her and Colton. Again, relief.

David was the nurse that day. He usually works with the older kids, but was called in Monday to help with Colton. I was amazed at his patience. It took over an hour to fill out admissions paperwork. Then when David took us to the medical office for more paperwork, C started getting really anxious. Especially when he sat down on a chair full of fuzzies. He became fixated on those fuzzies, and literally had to start removing them one by one. He was still able to answer David's questions, but until he had a huge handful of fuzzies to throw away, he couldn't stop. C was relieved to throw that handful away, and announced, I'm okay now. It was telling.

More paperwork. C started to show his true colors, and I just let the magic happen. You could tell David was used to these behaviors, and worked with Colton to finish up all the paperwork. Then, we took a tour of the building. It was beautiful, and set up for complete safety of everyone there - staff and students. Every door is locked. From classroom, to lunchroom, to time out rooms. Locked. Every door has windows, so despite being locked, you can see exactly what is happening.

There are wings in the building. A wing for the kids 6-12 years old. They sleep 3 to a room. It's nearly full. There is a wing for the 11-12 year olds. This is where C is. There are only 3 empty beds, now 2. I'm so thankful they had room to keep my boy. And, there is the wing with the older kids. It looked full of boys and they were overflowing to the girls wing. Yes, there are girls on each wing as well.

After the tour, we hit the lunch room. It was full of the big boys... loud, but everyone of them looked like someone's son. Some were quiet and kept to themselves. But most were joking around with their teachers and other staff. They were so loud, they lost the privilege of using the drink machine. It has Gatorade, lemonade etc, everything with no caffeine they pointed out. They turned on the machine, so C and I could get what we wanted. For lunch, we had fried chicken, mashed potatoes, vegetables, salad. Everything was home made, and fresh. The kids can choose anything they want to eat, and eat as much as they want. There is always fresh fruit out, breads and lunch meat and cheeses, along with the hot stuff. I was impressed, and even more so when we ate it. YUM! C got full. Yeah. He had lost a lot of weight at the hospital here. Eating mostly apples. He was so excited to see and taste the food.

After lunch, we went down and spent a few minutes on his new wing. He met some of the kids. They didn't assign him a room while I was there, but I knew he'd be in the right spot.

The best part of the day was meeting C's new dr. He is the Medical Director of Willow Springs. He knows his stuff. As we sat and talked, he kept asking C questions, and by this time, Colton couldn't stay in his seat. He was pacing, back and forth, and answering questions. I knew that C was going out of his window at night... that came out in the CPS interview. I didn't know he was going clear to the gas stations and back. When the doctor asked him why he did this, he answered he was bored, and he wanted to tire himself out so he could sleep. Wow. So many more things came out that I didn't know. The doctor asked him about sex, and C didn't want to talk about it in front of me. So, the doctor said okay, we'll talk about that in our first session. I guess there is much I just don't know.

Colton was taken out by some techs to check his clothing etc. to make sure he didn't have any contraband on him. While he was gone, the doctor and I had a chance to talk alone. He asked me lots of questions, and I started crying. I told him this was C's last chance to get help. If he was deemed still dangerous, that we would have to let him go. I told him no pressure, but I need him to work his magic. He said if C just had one thing, it would be easy. Colton has many complex issues, and he said he would do his best. But the person who has to work the hardest is Colton. If Colton wants it, he has a better chance of success.

The doctor also asked to take Colton off his ADHD meds, along with his antidepressant. He wants to get to know C for who he is. He didn't take him off his bi-polar meds, as you can't start and stop those as easily. I told him that he will literally be bouncing off the walls. When C came back in and heard about the meds, he became almost upset. He told the doctor he will get in trouble off the ADHD medication. Colton always told me he felt like his skin was literally crawling off his skin when he didn't take the meds. He was worried. The doctor thought that was interesting. He told Colton that they do this all the time, and that he would be fine.

I really like the doctor. I know he can help C. I hope C can help himself!

I'd been at Willow Springs with C for nearly 4 1/2 hours and he was ready to get into the swing of things. He kept saying "mom, you can leave now". I got the hint. Paperwork, lunch, tour... it was all done, so I told the nurse that C was ready for me to leave. We said our goodbyes in the hallway. C barely hugged me, but I squeezed him hard anyway. I looked in his eyes, told him I loved him, and told him to work hard and get better. He said, "yeah, yeah". I didn't cry until C went one way and the nurse took me the other way. David (nurse) complemented me on keeping it together until C was out of sight. I said, I just thought of all the rotten things he's done, and I couldn't cry. Then, when he's gone, I think of my baby and the soft side of him, and the tears don't stop."

A cab came, and I went back to the airport. Again, paid by Willow Springs. I didn't cry again until I got home. I was incredibly tired, as it was 10:30pm. I probably cried because it was such a long day. I slept peacefully, soundly, and for many hours. The first good nights sleep in a very long time.

I'd say Monday was a great day! It's the first day of hope again for Colton. I don't know what the many weeks and months ahead of us will hold, but I've never enjoyed Mondays... first day back at work, school, after weekends together. But, this Monday was a good one. A first, a new, a beginning.

C.... I love you. I don't miss you yet, but I deeply love the boy I know you can be. I know you are in the right place. I have hope that you can heal. I have hope that you can make better choices. I have hope that you can follow the rules, and make progress. This is not a quick fix. This is days and days of practicing what you are taught. Earning levels, and feeling success. You can do this, I hope!

Miracles sometimes fall through too....

2012-01-21T06:51:00.000-08:00

Our miracle about C heading to Chandler for his RTC stay fell through. I think maybe that's the real miracle. After checking into the AZ one, I just had a funny feeling. When they called me, they didn't seem as professional to me. There wasn't much information on their website, and I began to feel really uneasy. So, after praying with Wayne about it, we went with one of the other ones we felt good about. There were two, one called Cedar Springs in Colorado Springs, and one called Willow Springs in Reno Nevada. We were hoping for Cedar Springs only because it's closer and more convenient. They wouldn't take him. But, Willow Springs was the first place recommended by several doctors. I am impressed with the people I've talked too. They are paying our way out there, cab and all! I know if C can make any changes, this is the place that will help him.

I have to have hope. Despite what everyone is telling us, I still have to remain hopeful. I know my boy has an uphill battle... a very steep hill. But, I'm his biggest cheerleader, and Heavenly Father has a plan. Whether C stays with us or not, it's Heavenly Father's plan. I can live with that.

Despite what happens here on earth, in Heaven, in the eternities, I will be blessed to know all of my children well. Including my baby boy who is slowly losing his mind on earth. I can't wait to know the real him!

So, on Monday, as I fly with C to his new doctors and nurses, and I have to say goodbye for a time, my heart will hurt. I will cry ugly. I will come home to a peaceful house, no tension, no stress, and yet I will still miss him. I guess that's what being a mom is all about. Loving your children despite the pain they cause you.

I feel blessed! I have the privilege of learning so much from these children of mine. Though many tears have been involved in the process, I'm grateful for the lessons that continue to shape who I am. Yes.... I am blessed.

Miracles do happen...

2012-01-17T23:12:00.000-08:00

Colton is still in the hospital. He doesn't call home, unless he wants something. That's only been twice. I call him, and he doesn't want to talk. He has already written us off.

He's also not happy following the hospital rules. They have levels that each child has to work toward. He's still on level 2 because they say he's not taking anything seriously. I know all too well what they are dealing with. He's angry, and very unhappy there. He was angry and very unhappy here too.

We will all be happy when he enters the RTC, and learns some new skills. C's doctor is not very happy we are sending him, because he strait up says, it won't help him. I agree, it won't. BUT, I can't stand in front of a judge, trying to convince him that we have tried everything to help this child if we haven't tried everything.

The two residential treatment centers (RTC) we applied to are both out of state. The miracle that we were given this week, is that our insurance company finally approved a new RTC right here in Arizona. Whew!! Colton will be heading to Chandler soon.

C is excited to move on to a new adventure. I can't take it personal. Reactive Attachment Disorder is a scary and tough thing to deal with. Oppositional Defiant Disorder is hard too. ADHD is easy in comparison, but also has it's challenges. Explosive Disorder is just that, explosive. Then, add the sexual component, and you have an all around jumbled up kid. If this RTC can help any combination of things, then he has a chance to at least survive.

So, a small thing? Yes. We'll take any size miracle we can get!

My heart hurts....

2012-01-12T03:04:00.000-08:00

I have been crying for several days. I even packed a bag and ran away to my mom in law's house. She is my mom and I needed her. Why?

Colton's doctor is back in town, and he met with the team of doctors who are trying hard to help Colton at the hospital. They have all decided, based on everything they know, that he is not capable of change. Medication hasn't helped much, and he is acting out there, and they all say he will only escalate, and it's not safe for us for him to come home. Ever.

I think deep down, we all knew this day was coming. He has been progressively getting worse the last six months, but even though I knew it was possible, I still can't believe it.

We thought he could go to a residential treatment center, and he would learn new skills, and come home eventually. But because of his RAD (Reactive Attachment Disorder), along with all of his other issues, there is nothing that can be done. He needs 24/7 supervision... forever.

We only want what is best for Colton. That has always been why we brought him home to be our son. We knew his first adoption failed. We knew he had some issues. We knew love could conquer all.

Why couldn't loving him be enough????

I am so grateful for eternal families. He is sealed to us, and even though he can't be my son here on earth, he is still mine in heaven. I don't need a piece of paper telling me he's mine, or not mine. I am and forever will be his mom.

My heart is broken.

I love you C. To the moon and back, and forever and ever and always!

A good day...

2012-01-08T00:33:00.000-08:00

and I'm sitting here in the middle of the night, feeling like I need to blog. I bought new curtains to match my new rug. I got a new rug to hide some old carpet stains because a new rug is cheaper than carpet for the whole house. I had Wayne, my sweet honey doer, paint an accent wall behind the tv. It looks awesome! Now, I want to find another accent wall in my house...maybe my bedroom? It feels good to make some changes!

I've also decided that it's okay to blog about the serious things. I was trying to keep a separate blog about our journey with Colton, but it's such a part of my everyday life, that I'm not good about writing here, and then writing there.... so it will be here. I'll save that blog for his letters home, if he writes letters home.

C has been in the hospital since Thursday afternoon. He's in a blocked room, meaning he is watched 24/7, for both suicidal and homicidal tendencies, as well as being hyper-sexual. Shocking. He's 12.

We also spent some time with a social worker today, who is building his psychological report. She feels strongly, he will never be normal. He's not capable of it. I asked her why all of a sudden C started doing the craziest things. He's always been a hard child to deal with, but this bizarre behavior has been getting progressively worse. She said RAD (Reactive Attachment Disorder) usually raises it's ugly head about now. Normal. Normal??????

So, it's looking a lot like C will not come home from one hospital stay to another. He's been very sexual there at the hospital, making all kinds of continual comments. Some of the other patients are complaining about his behavior. In my mind I say, YES! He's showing who he really is! In front of professionals!! And, it's not just sexual, it's defiance, lying, stealing. I'm grateful others can see what I see daily.

So, here's to changes in 2012. New carpet, new curtains, and new hospitals and new professionals. Seems strange to say them together like that. But, it's my life... and the simple things mingle with the hard, sad stuff.

My house is quiet without Colton. We have no stress. Kayli and Levi laugh a lot more. I have so much more time to do things I love, and we want to be together. I didn't realize with all the changes C has been making, just how much our family was having to change too. And not good changes.

So, the next few months will bring many changes to our family. We love C. But, we look forward to having him in a safe environment, where we don't have to take turns sleeping to keep ourselves safe. Where we don't have to keep all our kitchen utensils and medications locked in our closet. Eating with plastic at home isn't fun. We look forward to spending fun time together, with less stress.

Changes... I'm up for it!

It's 2012...

2012-01-02T03:50:00.000-08:00

and this year will bring many changes for our family. Good, and sad. But, that's normal, right?

It's been decided, after much thought, and a lot of police intervention, that Colton will be going into a residential treatment center. There are no places in the state of Arizona, so we are looking at what is best for him. We've narrowed it down to Colorado, Idaho, and maybe New Mexico. After Colton's doctor returns from his overseas trip, paperwork will be filled out, applications filed, and we wait 4-6 weeks to see what will be paid for.

I am sad. I feel like a failure. I realize this is not a reflection of my parenting, I realize I can't take the blame for him. Even though I know this, it still hurts. He is my child. I wish his birth parents knew how he is ending up. He is a broken child. I used to think love could fix anything. I'm beginning to believe that nothing can fix him.

My child has become a danger to me, himself. Our New Years Eve wasn't full of fun and games and fireworks. It was full of 3 policemen, 3 paramedics, 1 crime scene investigator, CPS, and Juvenile Detention. Colton spent the night. I was up all night, trying to figure out what in the world happened. I am under investigation with CPS. All because my child lies, lies, lies. CPS released him to me the next morning, but they are still going to investigate. Bring it on. I did defend myself from being kicked and punched. Everything else, he did to himself. Next time, and there will be a next time, I will take video. To protect myself.

Wayne is gone. He drove with Tylan back up to BYU. When he's gone, C takes me on, every time. And now that he knows someone listened to his lies, he is walking around here like a king, getting into things he knows he shouldn't, bossing everyone around. I can't touch him. I won't touch him. I barely talk to him. I still lock him in his room at night. We all lock our doors now. I have taken all my knives, forks, and most of my kitchen utensils in my closet. We'll use plastic until he leaves. Had he had something sharp on New Years Eve, I would not be here typing. I would be dead. It was so bad. I've never been more scared. So scared, that I even called a neighbor after I called 911. This neighbor kept C from getting me, and he took some punches of his own. I'm still unable to process everything.

Wasn't it just yesterday that we brought him home to live with us? Wasn't it just yesterday that he hugged me and said he loved me? He was so little, so cute, so funny. He was also mean, and screamed, and seemed so tormented by his past.

As a family, we will all decide what to do if residential doesn't help. C's probation officer (C was arrested for assault on me) told me that after only one night with him, she could tell he has a severe mental illness. She said she's seen many young men like him come through the system. They can't be fixed. Residential usually doesn't help, and they often are released. Then what to do. A court officer told us our last and only option will be to give up custody. Some children who have gone through trauma so young, can never be fixed. I started sobbing. She said it doesn't mean he won't be our son. We can have visits. But, some children are not meant to live in a family situation. Some children need constant supervision. 24/7 care. I already know C needs this. He can't go one hour without supervision, or a fire will be started, or someone will be hurt, or something will be broken. It's been that way for the last year especially.

So, 2012 will be an interesting year for us. There will be good times, many I'm sure. There will be sad times, and many memories will be made. I'm looking forward to good things happening. Even C will thrive under constant care.

Yes, it's 2012. Happy New Year!!

It's Christmas...

2011-12-25T04:01:00.001-08:00

and I'm up alone, so far. It's 5am. I've already been out to the living room to take my annual photos of the tree and presents before the chaos hits. It's peaceful. It won't be soon. But...

That's something I really enjoy on Christmas mornings. The calm before the storm. I can reflect on Jesus, his sacrifice for me, and then when the kids come running in with excitement, (okay, they are all teenagers, so they don't run, they just meander in), we can talk about and remember the reasons we are even celebrating.

This year, we have Rachel and Alden here (along with their parents - who we love and adore), and though Alden is a bit young to know what's going on, Rach is very aware, and she will run in and be so excited this morning. I can't wait!

All the family is home, together, after several long years. That is what means more to me than anything else. It won't be like this for several more Christmases, and the next Christmas we are all together, chances are there will be more grandchildren. Now who's excited?

Peaceful. Yes, that is what Christmas mornings are... when I'm up alone, the calm before the storm.

What a difference....

2011-12-09T04:03:00.000-08:00

a good cry and a long talk does!

I've tried countless times to talk to K, and it always ends up bad. Not sure why. Me? Her? I think all she hears is blah, blah, blah, blah. I get that, I'm a mom and I don't know much. She's a teen, and her peers know more than I do.

Found out she was keeping her money at a friends house. Made me think she was totally saving, hiding, hoarding it because she does need money to move out. Whatever the reason, it made me mad. Wayne took her to the friends house and got it back. K owes us a lot of money. She got two tickets, and the fines were nearly $500. I had to pay it, and she will pay it back. She knew she had to pay us back, but didn't want too.

Thus, the fight. I ended up in tears, and she ended up in her room, in bed, with the blanket over her head.

I calmed down, and went in for another try. This time was different. She was crying under that blanket... I haven't seen her cry in a long time. I've only seen her angry.

I decided to tell her my story growing up. My children know I was abused as a child, but they don't know specifics. I decided to help her understand why I am who I am, and why I have done everything to protect her, to help her be happy, and sometimes I go to my room and close the door.

I cried, she cried, and we hugged. I love this girl so much! It hurts when she makes bad choices. She told me she really does love me. I told her how much it hurt to read her texts about how much she hates me. I told her it's hard to trust her when I read her plans... her plans to make more dumb choices. She said she understands.

We talked, cried, hugged, and cried some more for over an hour. It's a good start. I assured her we don't want her to leave home. She said she has too... but will wait until after graduation. She does want to go to college, and will try to get into ASU, maybe MCC. I told her I agree... she does need to be away from home. We both agree, but for different reasons.

She doesn't think God hears her prayers. She doesn't think He knows her. I told her she needs to walk by faith. Most 17 year olds don't have their own testimonies. It will come, with time. She needs to focus on the good things in her life. God loves her, and He has given her so much good.

I told her no matter her decisions in life, we will always love her.

I hope she finally heard something other than blah, blah, blah, blah. I think she heard me this time. I hope she lets it sink in. She seems much more like her old self again. Oh how I have missed her old self!

Oh how I've prayed for a moment like this one, to finally get through to her. I felt the prompting, I listened.

God doesn't know her? He's proved He does know her, and love her. He has proved that over and over. I am blessed to be her mom. I am blessed to go through these tough times, to learn, to grow. I am a better person because of the things I learn from these children Heavenly Father blessed us with.

And, I'm thankful for a good cry and a long talk. Yes, what a difference it can make!

I'd rather she sit on the fence....

2011-12-06T03:31:00.000-08:00

than jump so quickly to the other side!

Wayne and I have spent years teaching our children. Honesty. Kindness. Trust. Virtue. We've taught them that they are important. We've tried hard to repair the souls that were hurt as little ones. We've tried hard to build up their self-esteem. We've let them know how important they are to us.

We've also instilled in them (or so I thought), that they are children of our Father in Heaven, and they each have a unique mission to accomplish here on earth. They have each been baptized a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.

I've known many people who have children who chose not to go to church. I've known my friends to cry many tears over the choices of their children. When my kids were little, I used to pray hard that my children would not make those choices. We talked a lot through the years about "sitting on the fence". I heard that a lot growing up too. It's important to keep your standards, there is no gray area, there is no sitting on the fence. Live your standards and people will respect you.

Well... that was true for me. True for my friends. But in today's world, in our rated R society, I'm not sure it's true anymore. I'm not sure what I've taught my children all these years is enough.

Yesterday, I sat with my sweet daughter, my sweet husband, and a doctor... one who specializes in helping people communicate, understand each other, and learn to accept each other. And I listened, as my daughter said she wants to be like her friends. She wants to party, have sex, be normal. No fence sitting here.

Normal?????? This doctor knows our standards, he knows her choices are not what we want for her. He tried to let her know the path she is going down is going to come with hard consequences. He told her to really take some time and think about what she is doing, and what she will be giving up.

I hope she does take the time to think about consequences. She hates me right now, and I hope that too will change over time. I find myself letting her go. Distancing myself from her emotionally. I'm tired of being hurt. She has said such horrible things about me. Untrue, mean things. But how do I let go this beautiful young woman, who does have a special mission here on earth, that only she can do. Her patriarchal blessing is astounding, and by choosing what she is doing now, she is choosing NOT to accomplish all those things promised her. How can the world be calling her so loud? And, how can she listen? Why is that pull so hard for her to resist?

I hope that someday she will be strong. I hope that someday she'll decide that sitting on the fence is better than the side she's on. I hope that someday, she'll be able to teach her own children about honesty, kindness, trust, and virtue. I hope that someday, she'll decide that she's worth making good choices for. I hope someday she'll decide she does need a mom, and that hating her mom isn't nice. I hope someday, she'll be a woman of faith, of virtue, of kindness, of trust.

Fence sitter? Would be enough for me right now!

My favorite time of year...

2011-12-03T04:12:00.000-08:00

is now. I love December. I love the smells of Christmas. I love decorating. I love snowmen. I love the spirit of giving. I love the fact that this year, we will have two little people waking up to Christmas at Grandma's house. I have dreamed of that for years. I actually can't wait and hope to have 10 or more little ones waking up at Grandma's house on Christmas morning. Because of the little people, we decorated the outside of the house, to light up not only the night sky, but the light of their eyes.

And inside the house, well, grandma went overboard. Christmas is a magical time of year. People are nicer. People seem happier. And it's okay to go all out and decorate every inch of your house if you so desire.

So, in two weeks, when our little people arrive, the fun will begin around here. How grateful I am for holidays. A time to celebrate families, and especially this holiday we can celebrate the birth of our Savior.

Christmas, and all that it entails... is truly my favorite time of year!

Thankful?

2011-11-27T23:15:00.001-08:00

This month is a month where we focus on gratitude... being thankful... Facebook is full of friends writing their daily "I am thankful for" posts. Gratitude was the focus of church today. After all, the day we celebrate with good food, family, and friends is called Thanksgiving.

So, what am I thankful for? This month has been stressful for me. I haven't been focusing on the good things in my life, only the negative things happening around me. Bummer.

Trials are good, right? Feeling sorry for myself is okay, right? During my trials I have a hard time weeding through the yuck, to remember the things I'm thankful for.

So, here's a few things in no particular order that I am thankful for, even though the month of gratitude is nearing the end.

I am grateful for...

A patient husband
A beautiful home
A car to get me places I need to be
My testimony of the Gospel
Beautiful scenery
Grandchildren
My sisters
Animals
The ocean
The smell after it rains
My camera

My list goes on and on now that I'm thinking of things. It would be a very long post if I kept it up.

And yes,

I'm even thankful for each of my children. For the things they are teaching me as they make the choices they do. Good choices and bad choices.

After all, we are here to learn. We are here to experience. We are here to make decisions of our own, and then live with the consequences.

And...

We are here to be thankful.

I love this family....

2011-11-25T02:29:00.000-08:00

We spent Thanksgiving together, and decided it was a good day to update their family photos.

So, we tried.

And got this.

and this.

and of course this...

and this..

and even this!

Taking pictures of this cute family is not always easy. But, we were successful and got this...

and this...

and this...

and even this!

I love this family so much. They are moving away from us in February, taking these babies that call me grandma with them. Not sure what I'll do without them! But, I have some cute pictures to hang up and look at!

I was able to get a lot of good photos of them, they are so much fun! Thanks my sweet friends, you will be greatly missed!

Our journey....

2011-11-19T06:22:00.001-08:00

sounds like a good book right? Boy, I do have some stories to tell. Or, A day in the life of.... that would work too.

Living with C is an adventure, so I've decided to chronicle his illness. I hope that some day I can print it, and maybe it will help him, his siblings, maybe a total stranger.

The new blog is Our Journey with C, and I look forward to writing. Writing is healing for me.

I love my children. More than they can understand. I don't love one more than the other, though some of them are easier to love than others. I'm thankful I am their mom. We chose three of our children - though we know it was Heavenly Father's plan all along - and though we did not know the challenges we would face with them, we are grateful for the ride.

Our journey seems appropriate... we are all on a journey. Who knew ours would be so exciting, scary, happy... all in the same day.

Handcuffs....

2011-11-15T02:34:00.000-08:00

I wish I had my own pair. I could handcuff two of my kids to their kitchen chairs. To their beds at night. But what I would most want them handcuffed too... is ME!

Seeing my girl in handcuffs after her arrest was traumatic for me. She came strolling in the front door, hands behind her back, and looked... vulnerable... maybe a little scared, but mostly angry! The officer gave her the riot act, and told her if she keeps doing what she's doing, going down the path she's walking, he would be arresting her and not bringing her home next time.

I nearly cried when I saw her in handcuffs... and then my thought was, I want some real ones of those :) I could use them to keep her close to me... forever.

Seeing my baby girl grow up has brought me so much joy. I can watch old movies and wonder where I went wrong as a mother. She's always been so animated, happy, and full of life. It all turned rough her freshman year, and that seemed right on par with life with a teenager. Friends become more important than family, clothes have to be a certain way, free agency - yeah that - becomes all too real. She had two good LDS friends, that both got her into real trouble. They became toxic in her life, so she backed away from them... we gave her no choice. Now again, it's her LDS friends that led her - yes led her - she is such a leader, and all she does is follow, down a dark road again. Now, again, we are giving her no choice but to stay away from these toxic people.

I so want to borrow, buy, (not steal-oh C would LOVE that), a shiny new set of handcuffs, and throw the key away! Then... my baby girl would be attached to me, and could help me serve others, clean, cook, do laundry, be a cheerleader for C on the good days, be a taxi on the dr. days, but mostly just be my friend again. Really talk to me about what she's thinking, and why.

Oh to have my girl back, with a clear and clean mind. I will always picture her when she was tiny, and helpless. She looked vulnerable, a little scared, and oh so ready to be loved. And in handcuffs as a teenager, looking vulnerable, a little scared, a lot angry, and still.... oh so ready to be loved.

Mother of the Year

2011-11-11T03:53:00.001-08:00

Oh yes... you should all be happy for me. I've been told I'm mother of the year. Why is this not in the press you ask... well, we wouldn't want word to get out, because I'll be bombarded with questions about how I raise such wonderfully, obedient, kind, honest, sweet, loving children.

I'll then have to offer the truth. While I do have some children that are all the above and more, I also have two children who are making choices in life that are quite literally killing me. A mother of the year? Yeah, right.

I always wanted to be a mother. Growing up in an abusive home was difficult, but I did learn what I wouldn't do when I had children. My mom had to work to support us, but when she wasn't working, she was locked in her bedroom reading romance novels. Of course this was between husbands. During her married years, we suffered abuse at the hands of each man, and there have been 5 of them. So... my growing up years were hard. In high school, I turned to strong friends, who carried me when I couldn't walk. I turned to my Father in Heaven for help. It worked. My faith grew, even through the incredibly challenging years. My sophomore through senior years of high school were in Snowflake AZ, and though I loved being in school, home life was horrendous. I finally started telling what life was like... and I became empowered enough to move out of my house when I turned 18. I moved in with a wonderful, strong friend and her family, and they became my family too. I made good choices. I missed my siblings, but I was glad to be out from under the constant abuse.

Here I am now with a child who now says she's moving out on her 18th birthday. She's gone now, has been gone 3 days because she hates her home life. How ironic. Here is where I struggle. She's not abused. She gets every need met, and has a lot of wants met as well. She has a license, drives a car to school, is an incredible athlete, the list goes on and on. We read scriptures as a family every morning, we say our prayers, we eat dinner together most nights, we have a night set aside for our family. We attend church meetings, and activities. She goes to church dances, youth activities. Our home is comfortable, and clean. She is loved tremendously by her parents and her siblings. What am I missing?????

C demands a lot of attention because of mental illness, but we've tried hard to make sure everyone else is not overlooked and given attention for the good they are doing. For her, it's never enough. No matter what we do, it's never enough.

I went from crying for days, to now being mad. I don't want her to come home, only to leave again on Jan. 20th... the day she turns 18. The day she becomes a legal adult. I left the week of my birthday, Feb 7th. Amazing irony here... but circumstances are incredibly different.

How will life be when and if she returns? We'll keep reading scriptures, keep having family night, keep saying our prayers. I can only hope that she'll somehow turn around. She needs good friends... and she doesn't have any. I'll be glad when she goes off to school, IF she goes off to school.

And, I'll continue to wear my mother of the year banner proudly. I'm told often by two of my five how I couldn't possibly ever win this award, as I'm actually a horrible, mean, too strict, awful mother. Does it count that I have three other kids who do love me, even if I didn't actually win the mother of the year award?

Probably not.

The Day in the Life...

2011-11-01T22:34:00.000-07:00

of a goat.You read it right... a goat. Now, this is a special goat. His name is Chivito.

Kayli takes an animal science class at school. It's a great class! And because of that great class, she had the chance to raise an animal and take it to show, and eventually auction. So, she decided on a goat.

I don't think she thought she would fall in love with the goat. Chivito is an unusual goat. He hears Kayli's voice, and he gets really loud and excited. She walks into the pen, and it runs up to her and puts his two front hooves (is that what you call a goats feet) up on her, so it's standing on his two back feet/hooves. A hug. A real hug.

He loves to eat.

He also loves his brother.So... today, the goat had a special day. He went on a field trip. So, he checked out the back yard. It was a good back yard, but not enough grass to eat!

So he checked out the tile inside his first house. The tile was okay, but food, he wanted food.

But, what he really needed, was a bath. Not an easy thing to give a farm animal. He wasn't impressed.

And he let us know!!

So, we tried the shower instead. He liked the shower.

Now, he was a clean goat. Food. Yes, this is where I get food.

Hmmm... that really looks good, that sandwich. Wonder if he'll share.

A special day, ending at church of all places. Kayli took him to show him for her young woman project. Bishop said he couldn't find anywhere in the handbook where a goat wasn't welcome in church. She told everyone about her new friend. He peeeeeeeeeeeeeed in front of everyone, but beyond that, the goat was well behaved. He was quiet, reverent even.

As we took him back to his brother, and his pen after the meeting, we can only imagine what conversations will be said among the two of them tonight. Air conditioning house, tile, no grass in the back yard, and this big pool they let me pee and poop in, only to then get really really wet in this box where water sprays down. Can you imagine?Chivito is very very clean. Feels very soft and cuddly. For a few minutes, I even toyed with the idea of letting him spend the night. We have two dogs after all.Can you imagine?

The power of the mind...

2011-10-29T03:16:00.000-07:00

I haven't blogged for awhile. My heart is full, and feels like breaking. How do you grasp the fact that your child will never be "normal"? We knew right away after Colton came home that he had problems. We knew he was challenging, but we also knew we could handle whatever came his way. I'm not so sure anymore. I'm scared. I'm sad.

C has always given us a run for our money. When he was little, he was hyper. As he grew, we discovered learning problems. And now, he struggles with self-esteem, and mental illness. He's a sweet young man most of the time, but a few months ago, things started getting strange. Strange... that's the right word I think.

When our boys have turned 12, it's been an exciting time for them, for us. It means they get the priesthood. They are growing up. Leaving primary, and entering the youth program. It's a big deal in their minds. 12 has come and C still can't hold the priesthood because of the choices he continues to make. He wants too... but his mind is stronger than he is.

How do I as his mom, help him hear my voice instead of the one he hears in his mind? How do I help him understand that he doesn't have to do what that voice tells him to do? He is afraid of that voice. It is evil. So he listens. Is it real? How could it be real?????

New medication is calming the voices. But for how long? I cry all the time, and tears are flowing as I write my thoughts here. Those voices are strong, and evil, and my voice is soft and loving. Why wouldn't he choose to hear my voice instead?

It's not a choice he can make. As I study and learn about this horrible illness, the s word, I am afraid. I am afraid for C. I am afraid for our family.

Colton and I had a great talk the other day. We both cried. I told him he had to be pretty special to come to earth with such challenges. I told him he probably knew what he would have to endure, but decided to come anyway. I told him how much he was loved, not only by us, but by his Heavenly Father and Mother. They knew what he would have to endure. They knew he would struggle to come back to them. He knew, and he still wanted to come. He is brave.

As he spirals downhill so quickly now, I want to enjoy the time I still have left with him. I want to know him, and have fun memories with him. I want to enjoy my son, while I still can. I want him to have some good memories, some happy times, but then I wonder if it will even matter? Will he even be able to remember his family, his home, his life?

The one thing I cling to, is the fact that our Heavenly Father is merciful. C is loved by the one Father who will welcome him home with open arms, despite what he does here on earth. I don't believe C will be held accountable for his wrongs. He is receiving his own kind of punishment... punishment that should be for his birth parents, not him. C will receive a clean mind someday. The eternities will be good for him. I will have my whole boy, his personality whole again.

I love C. He's ours forever! How grateful I am for all that he's teaching me. How grateful I am that Heavenly Father entrusted us to be his family. He is special.

I love you C... forever and ever and always!

Home Schooling....

2011-08-09T13:07:00.000-07:00

I serously used to dread that word! I know people who successfully home school their children. They are bright, wonderful, and creative. I however, though I feel I'm bright, a little wonderful, and very creative... never dreamed I would have to fill a roll in educating my child in the basics of reading, writing, and arithmatic.

Well... we've been in school over two weeks now, and we are doing pretty good if I say so myself!!

Granted, I'm cheating a bit. I don't have to prepare my own lessons, come up with creative ways to teach this boy of mine... it's done for me. I'm just here to answer questions, cheer him on, and keep track of attendance. Yes, we have attendance.

We also have Monday morning meetings, which was really fun yesterday. There were over 200 kids across Arizona that also attended the 6th grade meeting. Hmmm... and quite a few of them are living right here in Tucson, and an amazing amount of kids live right here in Vail School District. So... we are in really good company.

I am excited about learning History for the first time in a long time. Today we talked about how the "Indians" got their name, and how the Inuit's came to North America. That was a long walk! I'm finally learning algebra as well. Did you know there are properties in algebra, and can you tell me the difference between commutative, associative, distributive, symmetric and transitive properties? Well, I'm old and just learned that yesterday and today. Yesterday I was very confused, and today... I got it! I was sooo excited!

I have loved reading with Colton some of the best short stories... and have learned valuable lessons from each of them. Colton knows empathy, and kindness, and he's learned being greedy can really get you into trouble. Just ask Baba Abdalla!

So, my 6th grade school year... aka... do over... aka learning coach... is well under way. I will learn so much this year, and though at first I was dreading it... well, okay, on day 4 I contacted C's teacher and said I was through and would send him back to regular school, at which point she gave me the best pep talk a mom would need to hear on day 4 of homeschooling.... here we are on day 11 and I'm feeling pretty good about the whole idea of helping C learn from home.

I am blessed to have children, blessed to have a child willing to learn at all, and equally thankful he can work in a safe place, called home. Someday, I will look back on these days and be grateful we've had this cool time together. It's a bit of work, a bit of sacrifice, and a whole lot of adventurous fun. I hope someday HE can look back at this time together and realize how much this mom loves him.

PS: I might not always answer the phone these days, because I might be right in the middle of a science project, or reading the Rum Tum Tugger, or swimming in the pool in the middle of the day and calling it PE.

But... I will tell you... I am having fun!

It's hot...

2011-06-23T11:07:00.000-07:00

So what do you do in the summertime? I think I remember a primary song with those words... but what we do in the summertime, here in AZ, is probably not primary song worthy.

We sweat..... yes, went grocery shopping with the boys yesterday. Wanted to get out of the house, and get them away from too much "screen" time. Too much TV, too many video games, and too much computer time.

I digress...

before leaving for the commissary, the thermometer read 105, hmm.. that's pretty hot. So, by the time we got there, shopped, came home, unloaded, and then put it all away.... it was hotter!

And, I don't want to hear from anyone back east... "but it's a dry heat". Dry heat, humid heat.... it's downright HOT!

We watch too much tv, we play too many video games, and we stay on the computer too long...... why? because it's air conditioned INSIDE, and not outside. Not that watching Good Luck Charlie on the Disney Channel is an awful show. Beating the boys at Wii's Just Dance 2 isn't too shabby at my old age, and the computer? Well... updating the blog a bit more often isn't a bad thing.

We sleep in..... nearly every morning! Which for me is nice, except my body is still on school schedule. I'm up every morning, whether I like it or not.. at 5am. But... after being up for awhile, I can go back to sleep, and I still beat the kids up most days. (except Kayli because she is a dedicated swimmer who attends practice at 5:40AM!!)

What else do we do? Oh yes... we complain that it's HOT!

So, what do you do in the summertime?

Father's Day...

2011-06-14T01:06:00.000-07:00

is coming up. Makes me think a lot about fathers. Growing up, I had multiple step fathers... didn't know my own father, and each of said step fathers were abusive in differing ways. I learned from them that I can't trust men. Not a fun thing to learn as a young kid. It took me years to learn to trust again.

Thankfully...

Because of what I learned as a young woman, I knew what I did and didn't want in my life as an adult. I wanted an honest, sincere, kind, loving, funny, patient, religious, strong, secure, happy man in my life.

AND...

for the past 26 years, that's what I have lived with. How grateful I am for Wayne. He is an amazing husband, and an amazing father. My best friend!

He is the daddy that changed lots of diapers, got Melissa to sleep when this new mom couldn't! Couldn't wait to cuddle his baby girl every day after work! Spent hours at the park because Melissa wanted to swing... more daddy, more! Read her hours and hours of her favorite stories... and now that she has kids... sent her all the favorite books for her to read to her little ones.

He stayed up all night with a very sick Tylan... actually slept in a special tent with him so he could breath better... Took Ty on so many hikes, campouts, adventures, and loved every minute! Taught Ty to appreciate music, to love books, and love learning.

He met Kayli before I did, and though he was unsure how he felt about adoption - the minute he picked up that tiny Kuna Indian baby... he was in love. He is Kayli's number one fan still today.

Sat at the INS office day after day while I was stuck in India... paperwork was done, so I flew to pick up Levi... yet paperwork wasn't done. Wayne's persistence finally paid off, and picked us up on Thanksgiving Day 1998... met his little Indian man for the first time, and loves being his dad! Loves to teach Levi guy stuff. Watching them work side by side with each other is fun.

Is incredibly patient with Colton... loves playing chess with him. Helps Colton stay calmer, teaches him to play fair, and loves laughing with this funny kid!

And... because he's been an incredible father... he's an even greater grandfather! His nick name is Grandpa Ducks... because when Rachel wants to go see ducks, she grabs grandpa's hand and he goes. Alden too has grandpa wrapped around his fingers! Where the grandkids are.... his heart is also.

So...

As we are nearing Father's Day... I am grateful... not only for the lessons I learned growing up, but the lessons I learn as I watch my husband - be an incredible father, and grandfather.

I Hate Waiting....

2011-06-07T05:31:00.000-07:00

I've never really been good at waiting.... for anything. I hated the nine month pregnancy, when all I really wanted to do was hold our beautiful little human right away! I wanted to drive before I could, wanted to date before I should, and hate waiting for red lights to turn green!

When you think about your day... there is a lot of waiting that happens! I wait for the warm water to come from the shower (though I wait a lot less now than in the winter), I wait an hour after morning meds to eat breakfast, I wait to make noise in the mornings until all the humans are awake. I wait for the sun to come up, then the sun to go down.

And today.... waiting for the phone call that tells us where Wayne will be working next year. I feel blessed that in this economy, he'll most likely get to choose which job he'll take. Waiting until now to apply everywhere was a good choice... there are so many openings in exactly what he is qualified to do.

Also today... waiting to hear how Wayne does at the VA Hospital... waiting to hear about disability and pay, and will he ever get off the crutches and actually back on his foot? Waiting to know if he will heal well, if he'll truly ever be able to run again? This might be a long wait!

Sometimes, I've learned, that waiting is where I learn the most lessons. I don't like learning lessons this way! If I wait, just long enough, I am blessed with the knowledge, that sometimes the waiting wasn't so bad afterall.

Levi....

2011-05-28T01:16:00.000-07:00

I really appreciate what a wonderful young man Levi is turning out to be. I still remember the day I saw him for the first time... so incredibly shy and scared of his new white mommy. Spending several days with him during the day at the orphanage helped immensely as he did grow to trust me, and rather quickly. He is an amazing boy, and resilient for sure.

Now, he is a freshman in high school! 8th grade promotion a thing of the past. Before I know it, he will be gone on a mission somewhere, going to college, and way too soon, he'll have a family of his own! Where does the time go?

Levi is very senstive to his mom... can read his siblings, and is always making us laugh when things could be hard. I love him for that. When he came home from India, he couldn't speak English, and barely knew his own dialect of Indian... and here we are now, a teenager that can't stop talking! How I love and adore his laugh!

I am happy he's growing up. I am happy he can run, and jump, and enjoy life to it's fullest. It breaks my heart to think "what if" we had not found him. I'm so thankful he is our son, so thankful he blesses us everyday.

He recieved a math award at 8th grade promotion, not because he's the best at math, but because he was a leader in the class. He used to talk too much in school, and realized it wasn't just hurting him, but his friends. He put himself in the corner of the room, and slowly but surely brought his grade up. His teacher introduced him as Levi... faster than lightening. I love the look on his face when questioning with hand gestures why in the world he would earn a math award :)

Because Levi, you are an amazing young man!

And we couldn't be prouder!!!

The Military Spouse.....

2011-05-21T04:51:00.000-07:00

THERE (author unknown)

There he stands in camouflage
Yet he cannot hide from you
You can pick him out in a crowd,
And can eye his stride among a formation.

There he goes, away from you again,
Off to do his part and be his best,
Leaving you in his wake –
Never “behind” yet always longing for his return

There you are,
Amidst boxes and paper and confusion, creating a home, designing a household,
Transforming a building into a loving, nurturing, comfortable environment.
Memories will be made here; events will be celebrated.
Children will be born, graduate, grow, change.
Your family will evolve.
Your love will increase.
Your marriage will improve.
And you will then be asked to leave it all…..again.

There are those who do not understand…
Who cannot comprehend what it takes to fulfill your role, to fill your shoes, to be all that you need to be.
They marvel at times, criticize at others; seldom appreciate, cannot imagine.
There are those moments when you are where they are.
When you marvel, criticize, lack comprehension, and are unable to muster understanding.
And then he appears at the door, or on the phone or though a rumpled letter addressed to “my love”,
And suddenly there is comprehension, understanding, affirmation, and conviction.
For by his presence, through his voice, in his message, you KNOW that you’ve been beckoned to a noble calling,
When asked to be a military spouse.
Invited to support a soldier who allows freedom, who guards democracy, who instills leadership.
And in your role you see a slice of life that few others have the privilege to experience…

Flags appear more brilliant to you
Parades draw out more emotion.
A hand over the heart is as stirring as an embrace for you.
A patriotic song is a musical message played just for you.
A parting kiss can hold you for months.
A welcome-back embrace can fill you up from lonely months.
A gravemarker is a stark reminder of the meaning of devotion.
A tear shared is a stark statement on the meaning of sacrifice.
A duffle bag on a baggage claim gives you pause and connection.
An eagle’s soar gives you inspiration…

There you are, the military spouse
The one asked to be strong
The one willing to belong
The one who is often required to do it all.
The very one who is privileged to stand beside a true American – day in and day out.
How God has blessed us
How God has rewarded us

There are military spouses around the world, beside soldiers, airmen, marines, and sailors.
They share a bond, a unity and a duty – to be there, always there for their hero.
There
Said
Done
Deserved

There are no better ….anywhere.

I like taking pictures....

2011-05-03T04:13:00.000-07:00

and I'm loving the results...

A few more...

and the whole reason I took classes... to photograph my beautiful grandchildren.

no... I don't just like taking pictures.... I LOVE it!

Challenges can be....

2011-04-10T06:26:00.001-07:00

hard, exhausting, emotional, draining. They can also be... what makes me a better mom, wife, sister, daughter, friend.

The past few months at our house have been full of challenges. What they are and what I've learned has been invaluable.

Tom passed away. My sweet brother-in-law was an amazing man! I got to see his influence on so many others, and I will miss him! Elizabeth is strong. My sister has been such a good example to me, and even through the death of her sweetheart, she continued to think of others before herself. I am blessed. I learned that I can be strong.

Colton tried to commit suicide. His happy self has been tortured by bullies at his school for the last three years. We thought we were doing enough, being on campus a lot, watching him on the playground, keeping the bullies away from him. It wasn't enough. He didn't want to live anymore. While he spent a week in the hospital, I spent hours on the phone, writing letters, and forcing change to happen. No one wanted to feel change. No one wanted to stand up to the bullies. Well, I did. We forced this issue into the public eye, and it got attention. I learned one voice can make a big difference.

People lie. It always amazes me when people don't take responsibility for their own actions. I've known this my whole life, but am still always surprised by the force a lie can have on others. It's painful. It can have permanent consequences. I've learned integrity is everything.

Friends get sick. Friends hurt. Friends can't be cured. Some of my friends have lost their battles. Some of my friends continue to battle, in a fight for their lives. Cancer is ugly. Cancer is sad. I'm always amazed at my friends as they battle... they smile, they fight, they live. I have learned you can be happy while fighting for your life.

I love my life. I am happy. I am loved. And.... I have challenges that I can handle.

Such a Cute Family...

2010-12-18T08:32:00.000-08:00

An Angel Face

2010-12-07T03:49:00.001-08:00

My son has an angel face. I've always known that.. from the time he was little. Our nickname for him growing up.. and still.. is Mr. Grin. If you know Tylan, even a little... you know he grins all the time! What a special young man we have in our lives! Sharing him with others in Uruguay, reminds me just how blessed we are to have him as our son.

I always wondered what kind of missionary he would be. We look at our sons while they're growing up... and wonder. Will he be a good companion, when sometimes he can't get along with his brother? Will he follow mission rules, when it's sometimes hard to follow mom and dad's rules? Will he get up early, when he wants to sleep past noon?

So... when you get emails from families that he has taught, and a phone call from a sweet Jewish sister, who was baptized last week by our son... and she tells us he is an angel... I cry. She praised him, for changing not only her life, but many others. We would never know it if she hadn't called. Our son won't tell us how many people he's baptized, because to him the numbers aren't what matters. It's the sweet souls of the people that matter. He said he hasn't counted. He won't tell us the profound influence he has been on those he teaches, because it's not about him. He just bears an amazing testimony, each week he emails home, because he is on the Lord's errand. It's about HIM, and sharing His gospel message.

I'm learning a lot about Tylan through his service to others. I'm amazed that this difficult little boy, who had to have every tag removed from his clothes before he would wear them... and who would NEVER let you take his picture or video him when he was little... and who would throw the BIGGEST fits ever... (I'm sure many an early friend can remember these days).... would grow up to be so faithful, so patient, so loving, so kind.

The youth of Salta... seeing him off at MIDNIGHT!

Chopping down a large branch with a machete...

Being a big brother to a host of youth who love and look up to him

An Angel Face?
Yes, I think so!

What I'm Thankful for...

2010-11-08T06:50:00.000-08:00

This is my favorite month. It's a month of Thanksgiving! It's National Adoption Month! So, what am I thankful for? In no particular order....

1. My marriage of 25 years!
2. My five beautiful children! Melissa, Tylan, Kayli, Levi, Colton
3. My two beautiful grandchildren! Rachel and Alden
4. My two beautiful adopted grandchildren! Hannah and Zachary
5. My testimony of the Savior!
6. My home!
7. The blessing of adoption!
8. My friends!
9. The opportunity to volunteer!
10. Animals!
11. Sisters!
12. Mountains!
13. Airplanes!
14. Oceans!
15. Green trees!
16. Indoor plumbing!
17. Warm blankets!
18. Electricity!
19. Yearly vacations - everyone of them through the years!
20. Blessings we receive because Tylan is serving the Lord!
21. Education!
22. Wonderful books to read!
23. The internet.... knowledge at the tips of my fingers!
24. Air conditioning / Heaters
25. Laws that protect us!
26. Independence!
27. Cars, trucks, and bikes!
28. Vegetables!
29. My health - sometimes better than others!
30. Doctors, medications, so that my health can be stable!

Life is incredibly wonderful!
So... what are you thankful for?

I LOVE....

2010-09-06T10:43:00.000-07:00

Watching my girl swim...

and cuddling with grandbabies!

Oh those eyes....

2010-08-25T17:40:00.000-07:00

There's nothing sweeter....

2010-08-19T11:29:00.000-07:00

Than a brand new baby...
welcome to the family sweet boy.... Alden Wayne Howell

Crossing Over.....

2010-07-30T16:42:00.000-07:00

These photos are loaded backwards... but that's my life some days....

This is my youngest child, last boy to be in cub scouts, last boy to earn his arrow of light, last boy to cross over. We're so proud of his accomplishments. What is easy for some, is much harder for this guy. He takes longer to accomplish simple tasks, but he's so good to want to do things himself! He worked hard for this, and we couldn't be prouder.

This will be a year of many "lasts"... last year of elementary school, last year of primary, last primary program... how I will miss those little years!

Thankfully, I have so many little ones still left in my life!

Summer Fun.....

2010-07-10T16:56:00.000-07:00

at the Arizona Grand Resort =

The CUTEST granddaughter on the entire planet -

Who LOVES the water, her papa, and her grandma...and especially her Aunt Kayli, and Uncles Levi and Colton!!

some cute kids getting really wet!

My very cute pregnant daughter: I'm sure Alden is having a fun day too...

Tall, scary slides...
Here's my cute son-in-law, Jason loved these slides!

LEVI

COLTON

JASON

KAYLI

One very happy papa!!

It was a great couple of days!!

My cute great neice and nephew

2010-06-11T11:34:00.000-07:00

It sure was fun photographing these cuties! I had so much fun!!

I See The Light....

2010-05-27T06:23:00.000-07:00

at the end of my 18 month tunnel!! My sweetheart of 25 years is finally coming home again! So, I've had a day to reflect on exactly what all this means. It means I've actually DONE it... spent 18 months away from each other, spent 18 months as a single parent (with some wonderful visits in between the months), and this is what else I've done:

~Became a Grandma to a beautiful little girl
~Sent Tylan to Uruguay on a Mission
~Spent lots of money on new silverware (Thanks Alyssa)
~Bought a huge curio cabinet without shelves, ordered glass
for shelves
~Unpacked all dolls after years and years in storage, and
put in said cabinet
~Bought a sectional sofa for the family room
~Bought a laptop computer for me
~Dug up the whole front yard, tore everything out, and replanted...oh, and yes, spent lots of money on plants and trees.
~Ran 4 bookfairs and raised a lot of money for the school
~Moved kids across the country (perk here is Wayne was with me)
~Spent more than 100 hours volunteering at school
~Won Volunteer of the Year for the school
~Bought a new van (Wayne with me here too - and so happy to be buying a new one with him, instead of planning funeral when he rolled old van)
~Took kids on numerous fun trips
~Struggled nearly everyday with chronic illness and pain
~Learned more about myself than the whole rest of my life
~Read and finished the Book of Mormon with the kids
~Taught lots of Relief Society Lessons
~Started a new business - MaggysGifts - grand opening in a few weeks!

I look at this list and notice one thing: I spent a boat load of money! That will teach him to leave again for that long! But I also became much closer to my children, and my Father in Heaven. I could not have accomplished all I did without that extra love and support and help from above! Not to mention a list of friends a mile long, who loved and cared for us, who gave us hours of service, yummy meals on occasion, and shoulders to cry on.

So, as I reflect on what is behind us... I look forward to treasured memories we'll make this next 18 months. Many more changes coming as Wayne retires from the Air Force next August. New job for him, most likely new city and home for us. New friends. New grandson (favorite thing to look forward too). Fun vacations, and many opportunities to serve others.

Life continues to be a blessing...

The Smell of Pancakes...

2010-05-22T09:17:00.000-07:00

on an early Saturday morning brings wonderful memories. It's even more fun that I'm not the one cooking the pancakes, my sweet Levi is. For some reason, Levi loves to cook... just like his big brother, just like his daddy. As I sit back and hear the clanging of the pans, the running of the water, I just know how good those pancakes will taste. Not because I love pancakes, but I do love the sweet hands that are making them.

Levi has taken over the "man of the house" role while his dad and big brother has been gone. He mows the lawn, cleans the pool, pulls the weeds, takes out the trash, and much more. He also keeps me laughing. He will make the best husband and daddy.

So, my thanks to you Levi... for being such a great young man, for letting mom still hug and kiss you, for keeping me laughing even on days I feel like crying, and for using those muscles for good things.

When I look back and remember that tiny little boy dressed in pink at the only home he'd ever known... and see him now... he's grown in so many ways! From a scared little boy in an orphanage, to a strong young man who knows who he is... I'm grateful to be him mom!

Practice, Practice, Practice

2010-05-16T05:37:00.001-07:00

Been practicing all I learned in my first photography class... My new class starts tomorrow... and I'm so excited. So.. here's a few fun photos...

One night after dropping off the kids at mutual.. I went outside in my back yard and took these photos... looks more like a halloween night...

One assignment said to take a picture about what describes you right now... thought this was very appropriate for the moment....

Am LOVING life... LOVING good friends... LOVING my family... and LOVING my camera :) Life is GOOD!

Still patiently waiting...

2010-05-16T05:28:00.000-07:00

Three weeks since I've posted anything... and I have to laugh. The Air Force package is still on the general's desk. Wayne should be home on Wednesday, at least that was our dream plan... now on to plan B.. come home soon!! We are hoping it will be signed or rejected this week... of course signed being the optimum idea! He packed out his office at the Academy. Finals done. Poor Wayne really has nothing else to do... so this week should be interesting for him. BUT... we feel we are at the end of the tunnel... we made it 18 months, and he is coming home! Keep your fingers and toes crossed for us!!

Some fun things in life...
Zachary's Blessing Day

Great friends and loved ones...

And this face!!!

When It Rains....

2010-04-23T05:41:00.000-07:00

Isn't the saying "when it rains it pours"? Not to sound sad or depressing, but I think the saying for me is "when it rains, it hails, or gushes"... at least the past six months. I can list all my trials, but everyone has them. Just deal with it! I hope I am, and I hope Heavenly Father realizes that I'm not so sure my umbrella can hold up for much more rain, hail and gushes.

Kayli is in Colorado for a few weeks to spend time with her daddy. A teenage girl who has always been a daddy's girl, just can't go 18 months without her daddy around, and always keep it together. She is such a good girl, and so talented, and loving.... I miss her, but I know she is enjoying that special time with Wayne. Swimming in the cool pools and being seen by the Air Force Academy swim coach, who is now trying to recruit her isn't a bad deal either.

Colton has been sooooo good lately, partly due to him sleeping all the time. He's been so tired and losing weight the last 2 months or so... and we now got it figured out. He has mono. Leaving the doctors office yesterday, I had to kid him.... I kept asking him who he's been kissing. With that big toothy grin, he says "MOM, EWWW!" I guess I'm happy he thinks that idea is gross, but I say "how on earth"!

Levi keeps us all laughing. Not to mention, he runs real fast. Track is now in his blood. The boy can run. See the boy run. See the boy run real fast. He runs the 100, 200, and the 400, plus the 4x100 relay and the 4x400 relay. I had to talk him into track, because I knew he was speedy. Little did he know he would win races! Now, he just loves it. He always places in the top 3 for each event each meet, and this is against all the middle schools. He's even won the 400 (toted as the hardest race in track), zooming past the other boys at top speed.
Okay, enough bragging.... for a minute.

Even when my week has been challenging, my sweet missionary puts it all into perspective every Monday email. Love that boy! What a great example he is of enduring hard things. With a smile on his face always. I can hear his grins in his letters, and can't help but cry (the good kind of cry) and giggle at some of his experiences.

So, even when it rains, hails, and gushes, so far anyway, the umbrella is keeping me dry. It's near breaking point, but hears hoping it can last until Wayne returns... which we still have no idea when that will be. Still sitting on a general's desk, waiting for signature. I hope my letter is making them stop and think.. but who knows?

So, for today, because it really is raining... for reals... my umbrella will keep me dry. How thankful I am for rain, hail, and gushes... and for that strong umbrella overhead. But, I would love to see more of that sweet, warm sunshine, and warm up a bit before the next rainstorm hits.

To Whom it May Concern:

2010-04-13T21:04:00.000-07:00

For whatever reason, in the wee early morning hours this week, I was prompted to write this letter... I know so far it has made it into several Colonels hands, and was told it was on the way to the General. I decided I needed to have a voice in this process, since I am the one causing all the fuss... I'll let you know if it does any good.

I am the wife of Major Wayne P. Magnusson, and the reason he is trying to return to his family. I have Lupus. If you don’t know what that entails, let me give you a short introduction to it. Lupus is an auto immune disease. It acts differently in each person, but in short, the disease does not recognize your own body, cells, skin, organs etc. and attacks these as a foreign entity and tries to get rid of it. I have had the diagnoses for nearly 6 years now, though the health scares started in our previous assignment about 7 years ago. The goal with Lupus is to get it into remission, but for some reason, mine is being rather stubborn and has not done so. I currently take a regimen of medication, some being quite harsh on the body, such as constant rounds of prednisone. It has become a standard treatment for me and my battle with the disease. Currently, my skin is constantly attacked, and I have red sores up and down both arms. They hurt. Extreme fatigue is the biggest enemy I currently have, as Lupus attacks your body, it gets really tired fighting back. For the last six months, my Lupus has been quite active, attacking not only my skin, but as I write this we are waiting for lab results to ensure my kidneys are not being damaged by the attacks I am enduring. I need help. I have relied on neighbors, family, and friends to help taxi my children to school functions and church. My children are watching me, slowly deteriorate right before their eyes. All this time, knowing their dad is only a state away, yet still so far away. The humanitarian assignment we tried for said unless my death was imminent, it could not be granted. That is always a real possibility with Lupus, and one day I’m sure I will succumb to this ugly disease, but I would rather it not be now.

My husband has proudly served the US Air Force, and I must say I have proudly supported him. We have enjoyed our lives in each and every assignment. We, like all military families have sacrificed a lot, but chose to do so happily. When Major Magnusson was non-volunteered back to the Air Force Academy, we were quite excited at first as we loved our previous assignment there several years ago. But right at the same time the assignment was being worked, I was diagnosed with Reynaud’s Syndrome, an additional auto immune disease that sometimes accompanies Lupus. Reynaud’s is another uncomfortable illness, controlled with warm weather. The feet and hands can turn blue, as the blood vessels spasm and cut off blood supply, and cold weather is often the culprit. It has happened a few times this past winter here in Arizona, so I can’t imagine what my fight would be in Colorado Springs. My quality of life there would be harsh, and it’s already decreased so much here the last six months.

I don’t know who will end up with this letter, but I am hoping someone who can show our family some compassion. I don’t think we are asking too much. I have tried to hide my illness from Wayne, as we speak on the phone, but I can no longer do so. You can hear it in my voice. I have fought hard, as much as I can, and I can no longer fight alone. I need him home to help. I have wonderful doctors, a great support system, but no family close by, and my children deserve a strong parent home, and right now, that’s not me.

I would appreciate any help you can give our situation. It’s unique, I understand. It’s against policy, I understand. I would give anything NOT to be asking for help right now, but my body seems done.

Thank you,
Heather Magnusson

Let's support this evening!!!

2010-04-05T15:15:00.001-07:00

For those of you have youth, work with youth, are a youth......

What a neat night this will be...

ENCHANTED PROM

Enchanted Evening is the theme for the prom we are putting on this year for Juniors/Seniors and their dates 16 and up. It's for anyone who wants to have a fun and high-class prom experience! Enchanted Evening will be held from 8-11pm at the Civano Clubhouse. Tickets can be purchased for $20 and must be reserved before April 15th. To purchase call 574-1865. Ask for Shelly or Julia. Directions will be given with tickets. See ya there!!

Modest Dress is Required: Dresses must be at least knee length, no cleavage.

Some favorite photos of the little guy....

2010-03-31T19:17:00.000-07:00

New grandbaby boy..... well, almost

2010-03-23T17:31:00.000-07:00

Baby boy Acosta is here (no name yet)..... and he is so cute!

Big sister is pretty cute too!

first "official" photo session

2010-03-21T16:01:00.000-07:00

So... I've never done this before... but couldn't resist my cute neice and her husband and baby.... so here's a few of my favorites, cute photogenic family!

Perspective...

2010-03-20T10:52:00.000-07:00

I have always wondered what it would be like to get a phone call about a loved one in an accident. The DREADED phone call. Well...

This morning, I got that call. Wayne was driving home today to spend a week with us, as it's his spring break. I kept telling him I was worried about him driving home for some reason. I even told him to just fly, didn't matter the cost, but he's tough, and said no bid deal.

Well, it became a big deal.

He had slowed down with the rest of the traffic due to slippery roads... yes, all the way down to 60! UGH. He hit black ice and lost control of the van. He says everything was in slow motion... I've heard that happens, and after the van rolled and he was hanging upside down and glass was breaking all around him, he decided he'd better get out.

Wayne survived the accident, could have been a totally different outcome! I can't even think about it. He is totally shaken, cut, sore, and humbled. He is headed back to the Springs thanks to some wonderful friends who are on their way to pick him up. He will fly home on Tuesday for a much needed break. Lessons learned!

Hug your sweetheart today! Wayne turns 50 tomorrow... happy birthday honey! Not the way we thought we'd be celebrating, but what a blessing that WE GET THE CHANCE TO CELEBRATE!

Let the pictures do the talking.....

2010-03-20T02:52:00.000-07:00

A Penny for your thoughts......

2010-03-05T01:28:00.001-08:00

Where did this saying come from? I asked one of my kids this the other day, "A penny for your thoughts"..... and they looked at me with the same disappointment I have when I hear it.... are my thoughts only worth a penny??

Okay, some days, yes... a penny of thoughts is all I can muster up. But, most days, I hope, my thoughts are worth at least a dollar!

I have thoughts like: I am up pretty early this morning.. it's 2:30am. My next thought, I'm going to be really tired tomorrow. Okay... I know, these are worth only a penny.

But thoughts like: I hope our school district can get everyone out to vote for the tax increase. I really don't want to lose things like our music programs, and middle school sports. Tax INCREASE? I know, but it's worth it!! Our kids deserve a well rounded education!! Okay.... these thoughts are worth more than a penny for sure!

I have other thoughts too:
I hope Tylan is okay with his new missionary companion. I heard from another mom that her son had a hard time with him because he doesn't like to work hard. Tylan likes to work hard.

I'm so happy my son in law is doing so well in law school. And that Melissa is enjoying her many friends in Virginia. How fun to be a young mom surrounded by so many other young moms, and be so involved in each others lives. As a young mom, I didn't have that. I am so grateful my baby is taken care of!

Kayli texts too much. Her thumbs are going to fall off! She is a good driver, so why do I worry about letting her get her license and go off by herself? I've done this twice before, but am having a hard time letting go this time! She is such an amazing swimmer, I wonder if she'll like swim camp at BYU?

Levi is in middle school. I have to remind myself it's the age... grr... Levi is so helpful to me, yet he breaks about everything he puts his hands on now. He broke Colton's bike. AND he looks at me like, so... it's broke, oh well. OH WELL! I talked Levi into running track. He wanted to do baseball, but he's never played. He runs, he runs fast.... so do track instead. I hope he likes it.

I have so many thoughts continuously running through my head about Colton. Is he happy today? Is he safe at school? I like Colton, in fact, I've fallen totally in love with Colton over the years... He's so cute! I hope he does well on his spelling test this week. I need to keep him busy over TWO WEEKS of break. I wish the swimming pool was warm so he could swim. Maybe I'll toss him in anyway.

So, some of my thoughts are only worth a penny.... today. Maybe someday though, to my grandchildren, and great grandchildren... my thoughts will be..... PRICELESS!

Today I am reminded....

2010-02-23T02:49:00.000-08:00

of how our family came to be. I love the reminders, and LOVE that other children are getting their forever families!

We were lead to an assignment in Panama. No way did people want to go there, but us? You bet! After our first Sunday there, we knew why. Adoption! How did we proceed? There were several families who paved the way, and within just a few months, we welcomed this tiny little starving baby girl... Kayli. It was meant to be... forever!

How we have enjoyed watching this daughter grow up! How blessed we have been to take her back to Panama to meet her birth family, and love them too! Her life, our lives, are so different than it could have been. Had we not gone to Panama? I can't imagine it!

Then, a few years down the road knowing we had another child out there somewhere... where do we find him? And then, we saw his photo in a waiting child magazine, and our hearts were pulled to him. We knew. He was waiting for us! Nine months later, I headed out on an adventure of a lifetime... people thought I was nuts to travel to India alone... yet I never felt alone... I was a momma going to find her baby... and "ain't noone gonna stop me". How precious those 17 days were... meeting my boy, who was ever so scared of everything around him. A child who had never left the orphanage, what adventures we had there!!

Today, Levi, who loves life, who is fearless, who is a wonderful, helpful, happy, thoughtful, loving, kind... a mom who is endlessly happy he is my son! He's mine.. forever!

Our oops baby came too. Doesn't everyone need an oops baby? We thought we were done adopting. Our family felt complete. Then someone put a bug in our ear about this little boy who needed a home, and could we, would we consider bringing him home?

No... of course not. We were moving in three weeks, how could we really do this? No way. But then, our hearts were softened, and we fell in love with his impossibly busy, happy, loving little boy, who had already gone through 2 families. Didn't he deserve to have his forever family?

This time our boy was hard. We had to KNOW he was ours to get through the trials that would come, and when his other adoptive family changed their minds about adoption, yet they didn't want him back. This child was in limbo.. until we fought hard for him. AND WON. Trials continued for this little one... and still continue.

Thankfully, we know he is ours forever. What a brave little boy. He has always struggled in life, with behavior, with social skills, with being comfortable in his own skin. AND we tell him often that it's not his fault. He sometimes says, "I wish my birth mom didn't do drugs, and then I could be normal". My brave young son, who is wise beyond his years. I say, "what is normal".... he fits right in.

How I treasure this young child, who has taught me more about myself than anyone else. He is one of God's MOST choice spirits on the earth. I have had many people tell me there is something about him... I agree. Colton is mine.. forever.

Isn't it funny how families are made? My children by birth are amazing, well rounded, wonderful children. How did they come from me, and be so perfect? I have two children from other countries.... and yet, they were always supposed to be my children, right? And this wonderful little boy from another city, who was in desparate need of a good home... of course he needed us, and soon we realized we needed him too!

AND, we needed all of them. Five wonderful blessings in life. Five well rounded, funny, happy people. 22 years and counting... of fingerprints on the walls, mud on the carpet, tears to dry up, hugs to give, scrapes to fix, dirtly clothes to wash, and love to give.

My family, unique as it is, was "the plan". Not my original plan, but even better than I imagined. Forever is a long time, and I wouldn't want to be with anyone different. Thanks kids.. you make a mommy proud!

2010-02-18T13:33:00.001-08:00

Today I am humbled.... I have a hard time letting people do for me. I have a hard time being recognized for the things I do. I have a hard time needing anything from others.

I would rather just do something for someone else, service is so much fun. I LOVE volunteering, especially at school. I fit there for some reason, at this season of life. I just enjoy doing for others..

so today...

I received this:

and I found it a little hard. There are so many others who do more than I ever do! There were several people sitting at my table with me, who deserved this more than I did.

So, I am humbled. I am thankful. I work with the best set of friends at school! I am a bit selfish because I get to volunteer when I want, where I want, and as much as I want. It's the BEST job in town!

AND, I didn't fall down walking up and down from the stage. It has been a good day.

Random Acts of Kindness.....

2010-02-10T01:05:00.000-08:00

are what the world needs more of!

If people would remember to be kind to each other, everyday, we would all be so much happier. It just feels good to be nice!

I love to watch people. It's one of my favorite things to do. Sit in a mall and watch them walk by, watch facial expressions, watch families. The airport is another great place to people watch. Usually people are in a hurry there, so I can get some great expressions... not always nice. I nearly live at school these days, and I LOVE watching kids... I forget just how funny kids can be when they don't know you are watching them!

So, as I've been watching people lately, I've made mental notes on the Random Acts of Kindness, and at times I'm really sad, and at times I'm blown away by the kindness of others. I don't want to be the one that makes others sad. I want to be kind.

I wish I could say I am always kind. I'm not. I get like one of my favorite dwarfs... Grumpy. Why is he my favorite? Because I "get" him, I understand. Life can be hard in the coal mines. Some days there's not a lot to look forward too, just the same thing, walk a long mile, carrying your heavy load in, and then at the end of the day, coming back out... still with a heavy load, and now a sore back. But, with someone else's kindness, someone who steps in to dust off the cobwebs, make the beds, put a magic touch to life, and wow... what a difference it can make!

So, this year and I hope forever, I will do Random Acts of Kindness. Don't we all do this anyway? YES, at times. But, I want to not get mad at the driver in front of me and speed up on his tail because he's not going the speed limit, all the way down Houghton Road. I want to be kind and realize that I can go slower and take the extra time to chat with my kids, or sing loud with the radio. Will I get there that much faster? NO. So, be kind.

I want to make a bed that is NEVER made in the mornings because time is always an issue. Instead of nagging about it, I can make it.

I can smile at everyone.... they are contagious you know. I can say good morning, please, and thank you. I can volunteer an extra hour. I can listen. I can give more hugs and kisses to those who need it most. I can be patient in waiting. I can say yes more, and no less. AND, I can be happy about it.

Does something happen when you are kind to others? A magic thing happens. You notice all the kind things that are happening to you. It's amazing how that works.

I have received a MAJOR act of kindness this week. I was actually blown right out of the water on this one. I am so incredibly humbled by this amazing business person, who does not know our financial situation, (we are fine, but paying for a mission plus living expenses for Wayne as well has tightened my spending habits) but felt like what he did was right. THAT is how I want to be. We all know and love this person, and if he is this kind to everyone, he'd never make a living... but I'd like to think I can be like him, I can be kind, and I can pay it forward. Because of him, I have smiled a lot this week.

Random Acts of Kindness... the more random the better. Let's see what we can all come up with!!

2010....

2010-01-18T03:03:00.000-08:00

As I reflect on 2009, I realized some things....

1 - my husband was gone nearly the entire year... ouch!
2 - even though my husband was gone nearly the whole year, we survived! I DID IT!
3 - I became a Grandma
4 - I became a missionary mom
5 - I taught my middle child how to drive
6 - I got a laptop and joined the 21st century
7 - I enjoyed the mountains, cool weather, and fresh air
8 - I did an intervention for an incredible woman in my life, and it helped.
9 - I spent hours holding, hugging, crying, helping, driving, reading.. for my kids.
10 - I took walks, naps, meds, and I'm still here!

As I look forward to 2010, I look forward to some things....

1 - Hopefully seeing my husband return home to stay!
2 - In spite of his still being gone, realizing that we only have 18 months before retirement, so there is an end in sight!
3- I will beome a grandma AGAIN.. in August we'll welcome another precious baby to the family.
4 - I won't see Tylan at ALL this year, but I will ENJOY his phone calls on Mothers Day and Christmas this year... and I will have peace that he is loving the people of Uruguay and he is loving being a missionary!
5 - I will let my middle child drive alone this year... with worry that she will be okay on these crazy roads, but also with relief that I will have one less trip to take her to all her wonderful activities!
6 - My laptop gets great use in the middle of the night, when I wake up and hurt. I study, write, and blog. What a blessing!
7 - Instead of the mountains this year, I look forward to the ocean, and the history of Virginia.... and being with my new grandbaby!
8 - I will watch this incredible woman find new ways to handle her past, see her recovery continue, and hope to enjoy time with her!
9 - Spend more hours holding, hugging, crying, helping, driving, reading.. for my kids.
10 - Continue to have days where I walk, take naps, and continue meds... that will enable me to live a another blessed year!

Here's to a great 2010 for everyone!

Here's what I've been up too....

2010-01-04T18:28:00.001-08:00

Holding, rocking, playing, chasing, singing, laughing, feeding, photo taking = priceless time with Rachel!

There is nothing as precious as a grandbaby!! And as of next August, I'll have TWO of them to spoil!!

What a Merry Christmas!

2009-12-25T20:12:00.000-08:00

Our tradition of painting a new ornament continues for another year.... we paint the ornament, read Santa and Christ Child, sing songs, read Luke, sing some more, and last night watched The Christmas Story before the kids went to bed. It was a nice evening, and thanks for dinner Marcos, Sheena and Cheli and Gene.... what a fun evening!

Then the traditional new jammies and photos by the tree....

What a wonderful day today was! Spending the whole day with family, playing games, eating yummy food, talking with loved ones far away, and chatting with our sweet missionary in Uruguay!

Seems strange without two of our children, a part of us was missing. It was a notable difference this year! We miss you kids!

But... because of Christmas, we got to talk to Tylan for over an hour. His Christmas package was broken into, and so his gifts didn't make it to him. The only thing they left in the package was pencils, a candy cane, and a table Christmas Tree. He just thought I'd sent him random things... I have tried twice now to send him boxes, to no avail. So, I told him to buy whatever he needed while down there... and we'd count it as Christmas, since no matter what I send, he doesn't get. So sad!

Tylan's doing well. Uruguay is a tough mission, with apostacy abounding. His little ward's Bishop went off the deep end, so there is no Bishopric currently, and the Stake Presidency doesn't work well either. Tylan and his companion were able to talk to the Area Seventy, and explain the situation, so things should get better with time, and a new Bishopric. Ty has many investigators, a baptism tomorrow, and 3others lined up for the next few weeks. Even though it's hard, he loves where he's at, loves his companion, and loves the Gospel very much! What fun it was for us all to speak with him for so long! It does the mom good!

Christmas Day equals a priceless day!

Updates and then some...

2009-12-20T08:03:00.000-08:00

Wayne is home for the holidays. He drove all day and made it safely! We will really enjoy this Christmas... who knows what the next year will hold for us.

Since the humanitarian package took so long to decide "no" on, his year long remote to Afghanistan was filled by someone else. Whoo hoo. So, for now, he's not leaving in May for another year. It doesn't mean he's coming home though.. for now, he'll be at the Air Force Academy until May, and then maybe stay there beyond that, maybe overseas somewhere, maybe home. In my mind, he's gone for the next 18 months (when he retires), and if anything changes, I will be happy!! We are praying he at least stays in the US, as it's much easier for him to fly home if something happens. That's what we'll pray for.

So many of you have been asking about Tylan... so I started a blog for him. I've added every letter he's written home, so you can read for yourselves what fun he's having! When and if he ever sends photos home, I'll add those too :) He sends his letters from a cyber-cafe, so it's not always reliable.

His new blog address is: http://tylansmissionnews.blogspot.com/

We want to wish you all the Merriest of Christmas! Enjoy your families... stay away from the mall, quit baking such yummy things!, and remember we LOVE you!

OUT OF LEMONS....

2009-12-16T04:41:00.000-08:00

We make lemonade!!!

I was crushed when I heard Wayne's humanitarian assignment was declined. The reason? My life is currently not in a life threatening situation. TRUE, thankfully. So, I cried, then got REAL.

Why am I moaning about my husband being gone for another 18 months after being gone a year already? Okay, reason enough to moan for sure! BUT....

Do I have cancer? NO

Do I have all my limbs? YES

Do I have my eyesight? YES

Can I hear? YES (My children say way too good)

Am I capable of continuing to take care of my family alone? YES, I've proved that this past year... though at times not so good :)

Can I drive? YES

My list of cans goes on and on.... and then I stopped to think about all the service men who have been overseas not once, not twice, but keep going back. They are missing the births of their babies, their wives have little ones at home to take care of. Why am I whining??? Seriously!

My kids basically care for themselves.... of course I am mom, and do mom things most days, and I do try and keep them on the right track. I digress...

My kids are in school all day, I don't work, (well, for pay anyway), I have the blessing of being home... and get me time. Many of these wives whos husbands have been gone so long get NO ME TIME... and probably would long to be in my shoes.

So... quit whining, Heather!!

Don't get me wrong... living with Lupus and Reynauds is no piece of cake. My life could be threatened with this illness anyday, anytime. I've had two people I know die of Lupus just this year. It is serious... and I take it seriously! I have fatigue beyond imagine... some days just can't get out of bed except to take care of basic needs... I have pain everyday of my life, and some days wish I could just chop off the parts that hurt (though there wouldn't be much left).... yes I have my cry/pity me days.

Then I pick myself back up, and move on! I am incredibly blessed! I have healthy, happy children. My husband is strong, and can do this... safely! He is incredibly talented, and needed at the Academy... to train other strong young men. Why Afghanistan? Who knows... but he'll do well there too.

I have faith. I know we can and will do this and come out the other end and "get it". 2 1/2 years seems like an eternity.... but 1 down... only 18 months to go.

Wayne says he's not giving up... that he wants to try again. That there is a way to make this happen. Me? I'm just getting set in my mind what I know will happen... and things will move forward and he'll be gone awhile. This is our government, we signed up to do what asked, and if my illness becomes life threatening, he'll be able to come home.

Our Christmas will be extra special this year. We will enjoy and savor our time together! Next Christmas will be very very different! I may have many more pity parties in the months ahead... and I'm okay with that. It helps me ponder and remember all the blessings I have in my life.

So, today, I tip my cup of lemonade to all the wives out there who are alone. Whos husbands go on trips for a few days, week, a month, or a year. Who sleep alone (in the middle of the bed), who wake up early to get kids out the door. Here's to us ladies..... as Ty Pennington yells... LET'S DO IT!!!!

What do you think??

2009-12-14T05:45:00.000-08:00

Thanks Heather.... they turned out great!

This Christmas Season...

2009-12-13T16:38:00.000-08:00

seems a little different than past years for us. Well, we are two children short, all in one season. Jason and Melissa and Rachel will be in Florida with the inlaws, and Tylan will be among the Saints of Uruguay. There will be less presents under the tree, there is less cooking, though not less stress. This year it was hurrying to get things mailed to my far away children, doing all the shopping alone since Wayne is still gone. Just a different year.....

Does it make the season any less special? Well maybe sort of...in some ways, but the true reason for this season has never changed. This is the time of year we celebrate the birth of our Savior, Jesus Christ. People are nicer to each other. People serve each other a little more. People worry about those with less than we have. It's not the getting, but the giving that matters.

I love the Christmas lights all around town, the smells of the cooler weather. I love our tree, and decorations. I love my fireplace going on a cool morning, snuggling up with warm blankets in bed. I love that I get my kids home from school for several weeks! I love that Wayne will be home at the least for a visit, but we're still holding out he'll be home to stay. I love everything about this season... even if we are several kids and a grandbaby short. Life is one big blessing! And, He is the reason for this season!

Thanksgiving Fun

2009-11-27T14:39:00.000-08:00

I love Thanksgiving..

Of course there's the food....

When the family is together... we sing!

The brothers playing ping pong.... they still got it after all these years...

Enjoying Grandma's backyard..

And finally, helping Grandma set up her tree....

It was a wonderful day! We love you Magnusson family!

It's been awhile

2009-11-06T00:10:00.000-08:00

Amazing how quickly time passes. What happened to the month of October? A busy month full of fun, tears, laughs, and busy busy busy!

Two beautiful women in my life came to visit. We are friends, we need each other. We are sisters. Being the middle sister has it's perks. One older, one younger, I learn so much from both. Our bond is strong us three... we've been through much over the years.. each struggling with childhood memories, handling our memories in differing ways. One sister closes herself off from family and close relationships, the other controls her food to a point of starving. I can't live without either of these women. I am blessed with them in my life. We cry, we giggle, we shop, we craft. We enjoy each moment.. isn't that what life is about? The world needs sisters!

Wayne came home for the weekend.. to see Kayli swim at state. Kayli continues to amaze us with her talents, and humble spirit. She never expects to do well in her events, yet she is always outstanding!

Kayli's relay team did not win state, did not medal in state, BUT they broke the school record, for which we are all SO PROUD! Personal best is always a win! She got sick with the flu during soccer tryouts. The coaches will let her try out next week when she's better... but her humble spirit is worried. Those little thoughts of not being good enough always creep into her mind. She is talented, and as I assure her of that, I'm reminded of Kayli as a baby. Back when we were not sure she would live out the month. Back when she was first in our home, a 10 pound 8 month old... fighting to live. Fighting at times to breathe.... and I look at her now, swimming at state, trying out for soccer again, and I'm so grateful to have her in our lives. Her humble spirit is an example to us all. She will make the team, she will run and breathe, and do her personal best.. because that is who she is!

And the month also brought hope. Wayne is applying for a humanitarian transfer back here... back home. He is not due to come home until the end of May 2010. He is also on 2 lists to head to Afghanistan in May 2010, and could be gone another year. Not sure this body or mind can handle 2 1/2 years being a single parent, with one very challenging child. So... my rhuematologist wrote the Air Force a letter, filled out paperwork, and magically... Wayne may be home by mid December. I'm not grateful to be sick, but I have hope. Amazing how one letter can change things.

So, though it's been awhile... life has continued to go on. Experiences are everywhere. I wake up, I go to sleep... every day. I make the best of each day. How grateful I am that I have children to keep me busy, I have a missionary who is loving where he's at, and a grandbaby who smiles constantly! I have a husband who is working hard to teach young cadets... the future of the Air Force, and still be my rock.

A busy month? It's only just begun!!

Loving Conference!!

2009-10-04T06:30:00.000-07:00

I keep a notebook of my impressions during conferences and here's what I learned yesterday:

Write down your impressions, Ponder them - study the meaning for your own life, pray, when you feel the peace, be thankful. I've always written down impressions from talks, conferences etc, but what I don't do is go back and ponder them, then find the meaning for the impressions in my own life. I love that!

Burdens - how long can we carry our heavy burdens in life? We must do everything we can to carry our burdens well. Burdens become blessings - be humble and have faith. As I live up to my covenants, the Lord will help me carry my burdens.

Missionary work saves lives. Stretch ourselves.. Aim High! If I rely on the Lord, he will help me do what I think is impossible. Learning and stretching is NOT OPTIONAL (darn it).

We are not alone. The most powerful help is always available. Give the best of ourselves. Get a little better everyday.

Temperance - refrain from anger (very tough for me currently), be humble, exercize retraint, be gentle and full of love. Use moderation in all things, use self-control. Seek righteous goals. Security for our families comes from temperence. Be patient with afflictions - be far from anger.

We are never left alone. We have the ultimate communication with our Father - prayer. Listen to the promptings from the Holy Ghost, then act on those promptings.. it will PROTECT you. Keep that channel in your mind clean, and unspotted from the world so you can hear the Holy Ghost.. Feel him. Prayer truly is our one constant to our Heavenly Father. Ask and you shall receive, then listen for the answers.

Thanks to you who have left sweet supporting comments on my blog. I hope to be back among the living soon, but still struggling with things... Someday I hope to be able to talk about it.. but so emotional for me! I feel like so many of the talks yesterday were for me... love and forgive. When someone you love hurts you so deeply, it's hard to do both.. but over and over again throughout the talks, it was said. I know I have to... I need to find my strength.

Don't Ask Why

2009-10-01T03:38:00.000-07:00

I really try hard to follow that advice. If you are asking why, then you are lacking faith. Wayne tells me that I have more faith than any person he knows. He knows lots of people, yet I find myself this week asking why... a lot.

I handle things differently than most people I think. I know some people tell everyone their problems.. I'm sure it helps to talk it out. I would burn out friends if I did that. Some people live their lives as victims... always blaming the past for their struggles and problems. I embrace my past and know that I am who I am because of it. Some people, like me, lock myself away and just work it out. I don't answer the phone, the door, and I usually just stay home... often in my jammies... and I just work through it. It doesn't happen terribly often, but this week... you guessed it, I'm having to work through some things. AND, I'm asking why?

Why was my husband non-volunteered to Colorado for 18 months? Why do they now intend to send him on a year long remote? He's already been gone 9 months... the longest time we've spent apart in our 24 years of marriage. Sure, we could sell the house and go, but why? When they've threatened to send him on this remote the whole time he's been in Colorado.. sure we'd move there, and then he'd be gone a year. Why would we want to do that? Why am I so angry with my husband for being gone? Why am I feeling such hate with our situation?

Why did I end up with all these health problems? This is a biggy for me. I used to be this healthy, thin person who was active and had energy. I've turned into this fat and tired person.. that I barely recognize. Why does a chronic illness have to be so brutal?

Why do I feel like such an awful mom? Why is single parenting so hard? Why can't I get the answers I'm seeking? Why, in a world of millions do I feel so alone? Why can't I just suck it up, and move on? Why? Why? Why? (you can hear the whining)

Eventually, not yet, I will stop asking why. Eventually, not yet, I will answer the phone when people call. Eventually, not yet, I will open the door for visitors. Eventually, not yet, I will be myself again.

I can't be the only person who struggles with the "why me" syndrome from time to time. Or am I? Am I the only one who lacks faith? oops, there I go again... why?

Happy Birthday Hannah and Kayleigh

2009-09-26T22:11:00.000-07:00

The beautiful cakes....

The Disney Castle...

The presents...

And the little princesses...

Just Playing....

2009-09-26T06:36:00.000-07:00

I'm working on a Photoshop class currently, so am learning some new tricks...
Here I'm playing with hue/saturation...

Learned to reverse black and white...

Learned how to antique of sorts, focusing on certain color...

Using a stamping technique...

The original...

More blue in the sky...

And now this...

Now that I have a bit more time on my hands.... I am keeping busy once again with some me time... I've still got a ton of blankets going, quilts to bind, edges to crochet... and now some photo fun. I love learning new things! I love taking photos because of my new camera.. and now having fun spicing them up. Life is good!

The Night Before....

2009-09-22T20:50:00.000-07:00

What do you do the night before your son leaves for a mission? I decided to take photos of him, and here are a few... they turned out so good. I can stare at them when I'm missing him....

Our favorite....

Ty's mission president requested he bring lots of photos from home... his environment, house, friends, family etc. We thought it appropriate to get some photos with the cactus... and we had fun! He was tolerant of mom, a great model, and will be an amazing missionary!!

I love you son!!

Book Fair and more...

2009-09-18T02:04:00.000-07:00

I'm the book fair chair at Senita Valley Elementary.. and this has been a busy week for me. We set the fair up on 9/11, and will take down 9/18. I've spent nearly all day everyday at the school, with the kids and staff, and having a ball! I learned some new things, or was reminded of things I already knew...

1. You must be quiet in the library... except when no children are there and you need to talk to someone across the room.... then yelling is fine.
2. You can't eat in the library, but a good pb&j does taste good when you are sneaking it under the table.
3. Parents like books.
4. Kids like pencils, erasers, pens, etc. The fluff as I call it.
5. Sports posters and cute kitty posters are all the rage.
6. There are still some honest middle schoolers around.
7. Kids are smarter these days!
8. Teachers work hard, work long, and get paid little.
9. Clifford is still the Big Red Dog, and is loved by little kids!
10. School is STILL a great place to be!

My Spoonfulls of Sugar

2009-09-11T00:38:00.000-07:00

I love this thought.. a spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down, right? With the yuck, there is ALWAYS good, so here's a few of mine.

1. Wonderful family ~ this includes hubby, and kids and granddaughter!
2. Awesome friends ~ who always step up when the medicine isn't going down so well!
3. The Mountains ~ my favorite place on earth to be!
4. My testimony ~ without it, I'd have given up long ago!
5. Fresh Air ~ nothing like after a good rain, go outside and just smell the air!

What are your spoonfulls of sugar? You've all been tagged... hee hee.

Enjoying my everyday moments...

2009-08-25T11:03:00.000-07:00

Everyday moments... mine are pretty boring.

Dishes, laundry, sweeping, dusting, cooking (though my children will tell you I don't do enough of it), reading, talking, typing, studying, cleaning dust bunnies from off the ceiling, vaccuming, chatting, petting the animals, feeding the animals, cleaning up after the animals, crying, laughing, planning, driving, shopping.....

you get the idea... and I bet my list looks a lot like your list. But... when I go deeper than all the surface things... what treasures can I find?

~ lost coins in the washer... saving up for something fun!

~ finding something new to taste... and trying it out on the fam to hear they LOVE it!

~ reading a heartbreaking blog from someone who lost her sweetheart.. only to know her testimony is strengthened by her trial... to strengthen mine too. Afterall, our earth life is so short compared to eternity, right?

~ getting so much love from our family dogs... especially Boots... who loves to sleep right beside me on the bed... and I'm to the point that it's comforting and I just don't pay attention to the hair. Just find myself changing sheets a lot more often.. and hey, that's a good thing!

~ talking is so much fun. I can spend far too much time talking on the phone, but what I love the most, is talking to my kids when they first come home from school. Kayli tells me all about her every moment at school.. what's funny, why it's funny, who she was with etc. I LOVE IT! I have learned to be there.. that's the time I hear about their day.. right after school. What an amazing blessing to be here, at the right moment. My boys tend to be more closed mouth... here's my conversation with Levi. How was your day? Good. What did you do? Not much. Well, did you learn anything? Not really. Colton's goes more like this: Hi honey, how was your day? Gooooood, guess what? and then the fun begins... and about 20 minutes later, I might ask another question.. but more likely, he's still talking...

~ I'm still pretty intelligent after all these years...I'm trying to keep the old brain from becoming too foggy.. okay no funny comments here, as I'm in a fog I suppose, just trying not to go any deeper... so I love learning new things. Lately, I love learning new skills. If I don't know how, I get online and learn. This internet stuff is cool, you can find a pattern to do almost anything!!

~ Who doesn't like to find bargains, and save money while shopping? The thrill is in the find. AND in this day and age.. there are fun bargains to find! I've always loved to shop... now to get rid of stuff and start over.. hmmmm... will Wayne read this??

How grateful I am that I can:
Dishes, laundry, sweeping, dusting, cooking (though my children will tell you I don't do enough of it), reading, talking, typing, studying, cleaning dust bunnies from off the ceiling, vaccuming, chatting, petting the animals, feeding the animals, cleaning up after the animals, crying, laughing, planning, driving, shopping.....

It means I'm still here, still kicking and loving my life!

Made Me Stop and Think....

2009-08-22T07:21:00.000-07:00

This week has been a difficult one for me, for several reasons.

1. My virtigo won't go away ~ why is it that I pay top dollar for a good ride at an amusement park and feel the same way now... but I'd pay top dollor for it to stop!

2. I helped Tylan pack up his suitcases.... just to see if everything will fit. It does, but two years? I'm so proud of him, and his excitement to serve the Lord. He is my first missionary to go to a foreign land, and I can tell you, it's been a little hard!

3. I sure miss Wayne this week. I suppose this should have been number 1 on the list, but they are all top on the list. Wayne and I were complaining to each other how long August is! He's coming home labor day weekend, but will it ever arrive?

4. I've befriended a young couple about two years ago. I was introduced to them because I have Lupus, and so did this young man. He's been struggling for so long, and finally lost his battle this week. I cried all day with his passing as it hits a little too close to home for me. My heart breaks for this young mom with a little boy.. who has to start her life over without her sweetheart. Yet, I can understand how HE might be a little happier right now.. no pain!

5. I've stopped taking all of my Lupus/scleroderma medications, and will let nature take it's course. Sounds dramatic huh? Not doctor approved, but Heather needed. So, as I start gimping around, you'll know why. I may have to go back on some of it after I see the new dr. but will be nice to clean out this old body from some very powerful meds.

As I think about the sadness in life, or the trials, I'm also reminded of the many blessings in my life.

1. My children are so much fun! Have you ever heard Tylan giggle?? You can't help but laugh too! Colton is amazing in school this year... NO PROBLEMS! Kayli brings sunshine to me when she walks into the room. I love how she has to tell me everything that happened in her day. Levi's smile makes everything all better! I am so blessed!

2. My granddaughter is 7 1/2 months old, and crawling everywhere and pulling herself up on all the furniture. What a blessing that I was able to help them move into their apt. and how happy I am that they have already made some good friends in their ward and school. Jason has started law school and loves his classes! Melissa enjoys being home with Rachel and already has a full calendar... from friends to ongoing learning. I am a grandma... it doesn't get much better!

3. Wayne will be home twice in September... whoo hoo!

4. I have a beautiful, comfortable home, with wonderful friends and awesome family.

5. I still get up EVERY MORNING, sometimes a little slower these days, but how blessed I am that I can. I love my Heavenly Father who knows ME and my needs. I felt prompted to come off the meds, and don't know why, but I will follow through and be blessed.

Just a few things this week that have made me stop and think.... what makes you stop?

Things I've been up to....

2009-08-13T02:57:00.001-07:00

Seeing Wayne's apartment in Colorado Springs.. and putting my touch on it... we should all feel bad for him.. it's really a motel room turned into a mini apartment. BUT, it's furnished and cheap!! LOVE YOU honey!!

Moving Melissa and Jason and Rachel across the country to Williamsburg Virginia to law school at William and Mary. The best part of it all... playing with Rachel every day!!

Being there to celebrate Melissa's birthday... she's 22!! That makes me really old!

Visiting our old house, neighborhood and schools....

and seeing some of our favorite people in the world!!!!

We are so thankful for the people who fill these shoes!!

and getting to celebrate Tylan turning the big 19...

It's been a busy summer for sure, but how thankful I am for each moment! I love you family, I love you friends! You are the reason I get up every day!!

Vacation 2009

2009-07-11T08:00:00.000-07:00

was a huge success! We rented a cabin up in Sundance, Provo Canyon, Utah. The cabin was... well... interesting... to say the least, but the kids were great and made the best of it! Here's a few things we did....

we slept, relaxed, were a bit lazy...

We got wet, and tubed down the provo river... brrrrrr.....

Rachel and I stayed together and took pictures... I think she would have rather gone too....

We hiked a little....

we took lots of photos.... and practiced with the new camera... my models are the most beautiful!!

We visited temple square...

We loved on lots of babies....

Celebrated the Fourth of July....

Saw hot air balloons from the Y parking lot, Park City fun with all the Olympic sites, Moqui Cave on the way home (now how many of you have always wanted to stop there?... I have since I was little, so we finally did!), Out of Africa adventure... wow was that cool! AND a host of other things as well.

My internet keeps going in and out, so I will save and publish this soon, and then post more later.

Pool time, and then some.....

2009-06-23T20:04:00.000-07:00

Here's what we've been doing the last few months... day in and day out. It's so much fun, and so tiring... and all I do is watch.... and cheer :)

The kids do love their swim time...

My baby turned 10!!!! AND got some cute glasses.... he's styling these days!

Tylan came home from BYU, and is spending some down time playing video games with his brothers, bonding time with Boots, swimming in the pool, and taking Kayli to his social activities and being a great big brother and getting lots of appointments visited... passports, dentist, shots etc. He's living the life...

Wayne is home and getting his very long list of honey do's done before he heads back to Colorado next month. And YES, that is an apron he has on... he even cooked on Father's Day... we love you hon!

Me... well I put together a few hundred craft kits for girls camp, and I'm heading off tomorrow to get the stuff up the mountain, and bring down the photos...(our craft day is Friday, and we want the girls to have the photos by then), then get them all printed, then back up the mountain on Thursday.. and home on Saturday.. then wash clothes and pack, then off to our UTAH cabin for 9 days!!! We get to see our grandbaby... and CAN'T WAIT to spoil her rotten for the whole time we're there!!
Whew... did you catch all that? Summer = a whole TON of fun!!

Thought I'd Share......

2009-06-10T21:24:00.001-07:00

I am hereby called to serve as a missionary for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. I am assigned to labor in the Uruguay Montevideo West Mission. I will serve for a period of 24 months.

I will report to the Argentina Missionary Training Center on Thursday, September 24, 2009.

I'll put up my addresses later!!!

Little Miss....

2009-05-31T11:06:00.000-07:00

Me with the boys...
The girls.....
help me mommy.....
grandma says I am cute....
she says I also look a lot like my daddy...

I am loving all the photos of my grandbaby.. and since this is my online journal, that I plan to bind and have as a book someday.... I enjoy posting pictures of the little monkey. It's amazing how fast babies change. Now.. I have 5 kids, so I know they change quickly.... but for some reason, I thought when I had grandbabies, things would move slower. NOT! I look forward to the end of June when I get her again... to cuddle, love, hug, and sing songs, and rock her to sleep. She is so precious! There's just nothing like a cute grandaughter!

And it begins...

2009-05-30T08:22:00.000-07:00

Colton

Levi

Kayli
Summer is here! It started for us back in April... as the kids started summer swim team. It's great fun in the pool, even on those cold rainy evenings... but it's real now... swimming every morning! AND, the pool is much warmer these days.

I love the time I have to sit and watch my three talented children. I'm grateful they love the water! I'm grateful they love the exercise. I'm so very grateful they are healthy and can swim and have fun when they want too. I'm grateful we have a pool in our own backyard.... that they can enjoy the great Arizona summers.. and still be cool. So much to be grateful for!

As a side note on Colton: He's doing so much better since being home from the hosptial. NOT ONE RAGE! And that is a HUGE improvement. He still gets upset, but don't we all? He's a much nicer little boy right now... amazing what the right medication can do.. and a warning about the wrong meds too!

Surprisingly....

2009-05-20T18:16:00.001-07:00

Colton is home! Thanks for all your love and prayers... it will be long haul for this young boy, but for now, he's stable on new meds and seems to be very happy that he's home. We had another great counseling session today and they asked him if he'd like to go today.. and we both said yes :)

It's been a busy day.. so will post more later. We love you all so much! Please, keep Colton in your prayers.. the battle is not won YET, but we are determined to make a difference in his life!

It's so quiet around here....

2009-05-17T13:22:00.000-07:00

and that's because my baby, though he's 9... is in Sonora Behavioral Health Hospital. He's been there since Thursday night... and we're not sure when he's coming home. It was such a hard decision to let him go and stay there... but he's getting lots of help from people who really seem to care about him, us as a family, and getting us back together as quickly as possible.

Colton had a major rage that set this all in motion.... it was a very public rage, and quite scary... and then to bring him home and find some knives in his closet that he was planning to use on me. My baby, my Colton... my love. He says it was all talk now.. but when he's raging, I wonder.

We've decided Colton is a very choice spirit.. and Satan wants to destroy this young boy. By destroying him, destroying our family tie.. Satan is the victor. Well, Satan is up against the wrong mommy... as I will NOT let him take my son without a fight. Bring it on as they say.

Colton's birth parents did drugs. He was removed from their home as a new baby. Colton was then adopted into a family that ultimatly decided they didn't want him. How can anyone give away any precious 3 year old child? Well, we've been blessed with this young man for nearly 7 years.... and I love him so much more everyday. He brings laughter, and love, and tension and stress. He brings himself... all that he was given... none of it he chose.

It seems everyone in his life gives up eventually... even I feel like giving up sometimes... but.. he won't give up on himself. Afterall, he is HIS son... our Heavenly Father will never give up on him... so we can't either. Thanks so much to our support system... we love you all! When I'm ready to give up.. you take over... and we will WIN this battle for this little boy's spirit.

I've learned just how much I really miss him.. now that he's been gone a few days. I have been able to rest well, rejuvinate of sorts. His brother and sister say the same.. it's been quiet, no arguing, no fighting, no anger in our home.. and it feels so nice! BUT, they really miss him too! I loved hearing that... they miss him. Today, we'll head out to the hospital and play our weekly Sunday chess game. The kids will play, and I'll watch and listen and hug and kiss him. And when I leave, I'll cry again. Leaving my baby in someone else's hands for a time. Knowing that when he comes home... he'll bring himself... the person that he did not choose to be.. a little boy that is being fought over.... for both evil and good. And, we'll pray hard that he will learn to hear the promptings of the Holy Ghost that can help him always to choose the good.... and he'll know... that no matter what.. he has a mom and dad and brothers and sisters that will ALWAYS be there for him. WE will never give up on such a precious and special young man... my baby, my Colton.

Rejuvinating Saturday....

2009-05-09T17:31:00.001-07:00

I just got back from the most wonderful 1.5 hours of my life.... My sweet friends splurged on me, and I enjoyed the benefit of a wonderful facial at Civano Skin Care. Oooohhhh, awwwwww, I hear you saying. Yes, it was. See below...

Spa facial

The ultimate in relaxation, the spa facial incorporates all the therapeutic benefits to the skin, while providing a welcome escape from stress. In addition to deep cleansing and exfoliation, hand and arm and facial massage, this service provides a rejuvenating foot treatment. While you relax with a healing mask, your feet are treated to a lavender salt scrub followed by a healing massage. This luxurious treatment is like a mini vacation, leaving your skin glowing and your mind relaxed. This service takes approximately 1 hr. 30 mins.

My skin is glowing.. and my mind is relaxed.... just in time for Mother's Day. Amy and Shannon... thanks isn't enough!! You two know just what I need to keep me from going to the nut farm... I love ya!

2009-05-07T21:11:00.000-07:00

What do you do when you have a troubled child? Do you scream? Cry? Feel guilty? Pray? All of that and so much more. My little Colton is such a love... he wants so badly to be good. He wants so much to be accepted. Colton is a drug baby, and was given up by his previous adoptive family because they couldn't handle him. He was three. He's nearly 10 now... and there are many days I too can't handle him. I often ask myself, am I the right mom for him? Whether Colton likes it or not, and many days he tells me NOT, we are his forever family. There is a reason he is in our home... whether it's for him, or us. Probably Heavenly Father brought us together because we all had to learn something... that's how it works, right?

How could you not just LOVE this face?

The problem seems to be that not everyone can love this face... or his actions. We shouldn't have to accept his behavior... but provide him with as much help as we can find. Mind you, there is NOT a lot of help out there for these children. The funding for the emotionaly disturbed class at school is not available.. so kids like Colton are in a regular classroom, and not functioning. All I can say about 3rd grade is that he's learned his times tables.. did I say that he has a very high IQ? He's very very smart.. but non functioning due to his behaviors getting in the way. SAD!

I am learning that if I don't fight for him, no one will. I am learning to speak openly about him, his behaviors. I need a voice... whether to vent to a friend (or many friends), or to be his best cheerleader on a good day.. speaking up is something I have needed to do for a long time. I am not done complaining.. I am not done crying, and certainly not done praying... my boy needs help. We will fight for him, and with him, until he gets it. I know that Heavenly Father sent him to us for a reason... and we will in time figure it all out. I look forward to the right amount of medication, the right amount of talking, the right amount of discipine and love. I look forward to the right amount of help. We are blessed with a wonderful support system here... we love you all! (and you know who you are!!)

This love of mine... this little face... after all the raging is over, after all the fighting, the threats, the cussing, the hate....

comes sorrow... for his behavior. Then we hug, and talk, and pray before bed. Then we start over.. another day.. another fight, rage, cussing, the hate.. all over again. He doesn't mean too... he says sorry, and I think he means it... for now.

Rachel

2009-05-03T10:51:00.001-07:00

New camera, grandbaby visiting, husband home = a lot of photos!!

and some more with her aunt and uncles....

I'm hooked.....

2009-04-19T11:29:00.000-07:00

Okay, my friend Arloa got me hooked on theses cute journal books. I did some more this week. I did this one for Colton's teacher... she's always saying kids say the darndest things... so now she can write them down....

AND.. this one for me because....

BECAUSE of the books and crafts I'm doing... this is what my kitchen island looks like.... keep in mind, I do have a craft room... Good thing Wayne isn't here to see all this...

BUT... did I say I am enjoying my free time? Life is good.... and I am happy, that's what really matters right? Not what my kitchen counter looks like :) Though Melissa will be coming in on the 28th and my goal is to have it all cleaned up (for a day), and then back out on the 29th for those of you coming to my mid-week activity class to make these fun books!

It's Been awhile

2009-04-14T15:28:00.000-07:00

Where does the time go? Keeping up with the blogs I LOVE to read is so much fun. Keeping up with facebook and old friends is also so much fun! BUT, I also have to clean, do laundry, volunteer at school, oh, and be a mom too!

So.... here's a few photos of things we've been doing.

The Easter Pageant with Grandma

And Easter...

Enjoying cute little friends...

And making crafts...

Life is good, I am blessed! My testimony is strong and I miss my husband :) BTW, Melissa and Rachel are coming for a vist from April 28th - May 5th AND my hubby is also coming home that weekend as well. You see, he wouldn't, just couldn't miss our 24th wedding anniversary on the 3rd of May.

Lunch Bunch equals....

2009-03-31T20:01:00.000-07:00

Friends coming to my house, and bringing with them great food to eat!

And bringing me their fun kids to play with too!!

I love having a ward with soooo many good friends! I am blessed to be here, blessed to be surrounded by such wonderful, valiant women. They are such good examples to me and my children. You all made my day fun, thanks for sharing it with me! LOVE YOU ALL!!

2009-03-23T06:24:00.000-07:00

I've decided that chronic illness = pain, frustration, sadness, undependability, irritability, inability to do... many things. But I've also realized the many blessings in my life in spite of it all.
Here's a few:

A beautiful, happy grandaughter....

whom I am so in love with...

Kayli and Colton playing Uno at Grandma's house.. I love it when they get along!

A trip to the Phoenix Zoo with Kayli and Levi, and Snow Cones!

Me, being able to walk the whole zoo, in spite of the pain!

Interesting animals that dot the earth:

Beautiful children that come from far away lands, to be mine!

A husband that gets to be home this week, and celebrate his birthday with us:

his cake was good too....

So you see, with all the negative in life... there is so much to be thankful for. Now, a cure for Lupus would top it all off!

He's being replaced

2009-03-03T10:39:00.000-08:00

Well, yesterday I got some cleaning done, like every day, and for some reason lately, my bed is always the last thing I do... I do make it.. but late. I went to make the bed yesterday, and this is what I found....

When he realized he was busted.. he gave me the cute look, and laid right back down...

Boots is Kayli's dog, and sleeps in her bed with her every night. I think he must miss Wayne?! Because today, guess where he is? Yep, right back in the same place. Gotta love it!

Organizing AGAIN!

2009-02-25T17:33:00.000-08:00

So, I'm going through everything... quite literally, and I came across an old photo album that had so many baby pictures of Melissa. I honestly thought I'd lost some of these photos, so was happy to find them. It pays to clean and muck out from time to time!

A couple of these photos are RACHEL/MELISSA look alikes... so thought I'd post them. So fun!

Same Dress.. just 21 years later... BUT, wow have we changed!!

So the mustache is a dead give away for age... huh??

Finally

2009-02-23T15:33:00.000-08:00

Well, it's been awhile since I've posted. Being a single parent causes me to prioritize a little more. Okay, the facebook games?! I know!! I had so much fun with Wayne and Rachel and family a few weekends ago. Her blessing was beautiful, and she wore Melissa's blessing dress... still looked good after 21 years. Here's a few photos...

Four generations here, Grandma Magnusson, Melissa, Rachel and Wayne

A few more photos of the baby... she chunked out a bit since I first saw her, and I wasn't sick, so I could kiss those cheekies.. so fun!

Yes, this grandma is in LOVE with this baby...and I miss her so much already. It's amazing how fast they change... now I have had 5 kids, so I do know that they change.. but I forgot.

Another Year Older.....

2009-02-08T09:08:00.000-08:00

Okay, I'm feeling it. Older. Not that a birthday makes a difference. I have a new grandbaby, so that seals the deal, right? I'm entering into another right of passage... where it's okay to have gray hair, and it's okay to be plump. Who doesn't like a plump grandma to rock with? I have down the songs, the stories, and I even have a grandma box full of toys that I bring out whenever little kids come over. AND I keep buying new baby toys for that box. hmmmm. It must be... I am not only older... I'm a little wiser. Things that used to bug me, don't anymore. I'm more patient, understanding, yell less. Right of passage too? Think so!

So, with a birthday and a reason to celebrate.. I did. I got a pedicure with Amy and Shannon, then added Rachelle and Stephanie to the mix for lunch at Olive Garden... then came home to a decorated.. and CLEAN HOUSE! How lucky I am to have wonderful children! Levi is the leader of the pack when it comes to doing things for mom... he even vacuumed out my car and put a sweet smeller in there as a surprise. Didn't even see that one until late last night when I had to go out and buy some milk. So, the surprises happened all day. Thanks to my sweet hubby, who has missed more than one birthday in his military career... to still make it wonderful with gifts and beautiful flowers delivered for me and left on my well made bed. My mom even sent me a journal, and she filled out the first page with memories of my birth and events of the day. That will now become my mom/grandma journal, so I can record my thoughts of this new time in my life. Thoughtful.. thanks mom.

Phone calls all day from friends and family, and emails galore. I suppose this is why we have birthdays and get older right? For some much needed attention once a year.. to celebrate who you are... what you've become... I hope I've not disappointed anyone... I seem to like me, for this year.....

I'm home and missing her already

2009-01-28T21:12:00.001-08:00

Just wanted to post some fun photos of the week I spent with my first grandaughter.. Rachel. I loved every second of it... I helped clean, cooked some meals for the freezer, shopped and stocked the kids up on food, and most importantly, and most fun of all was hold and love and cuddle and spoil Rachel. Here are a few pictures from my week. I'll post more details and my "night of terror" soon.

Of course more photos....

2009-01-12T20:56:00.002-08:00

Can you tell that Tylan enjoys being an uncle?? He will be over there every chance he gets.. and then lets me know what it's like to hold her... yes, he rubs it in ever so lovingly.

Will this blog become overtaken by cute baby photos forever? Probably.... hee hee.
She came home today, all wrapped in blanket I made her... aww... can't wait to hug and squeeze those cheeks!

Rachel Nicole Howell

2009-01-11T15:47:00.000-08:00

Ms. Organization

2009-01-09T15:44:00.000-08:00

I'm now ORGANIZED. I love it... now I can go into my den, turn on the telly, or music, and craft away. Make cards.. sew... even do a puzzle. I love the cool craft desk I found... cuz I can even make it bigger if needed, and it's on wheels. Lucky me. Now, in all my spare time... I can enjoy me time. hee hee. Thanks hubby, for the cubbys, I love them!

2009-01-03T13:47:00.000-08:00

Thank you Reyna.. the photos are beautiful!

Well, today was the day. I said goodbye to not only Tylan, but also Wayne. Wow, hard stuff to do... I spent most of last evening crying about it all. Tylan reminded me that I'd see them both again when Melissa has her baby... duh me. But.. it's still very different. My sweet son asked if I would like he and his dad to give me a blessing. So, they did, and Tylan actually gave the blessing. It was the sweetest words, and I knew that the blessing came from Heavenly Father, through my sweet son... and I listened very carefully to his words. It shook me a little, because I have been very defiant about moving, putting the house on the market, doing it all myself. Grouchy even. My blessing said that although there were many trials ahead, that if I would do everything I could to keep our family together, many blessings would come. So... I need to have more faith. OBVIOUSLY! The housing market is horrible, and so I have a really bad attitude about even selling this year at all. I told Wayne he could live in his little apt. for the few years we're apart... not such a nice thing to say... but we are stuck in such a hard situation right now... so who do I blame? The only one I can... poor Wayne. So, as he drove off, it was hard. But.. I will listen to the words that came through my young elder son... from my Heavenly Father, who knows so well my trials and my lack of faith.... and I will do what it takes. We will be fine.

On a better note... thought I'd post these pictures.. have you ever seen such cute kids?? I know, you all have cute kids too :)

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Tresann's Wedding

2008-12-29T15:00:00.000-08:00

Tresann's throwing her boquet..

Randy, chasing flies... see the halo over his head? He keeps telling me he's the angel..

My sweet friend, Arloa

Tylan, Kylene (Quinn's cousin and Ty's friend), Kayli

Decked out in yellow converse... so cute!

Randy, Arloa, Tresann, Quinn, Kia, and Cymrie are our other family. We've known this family since both our children were tiny. We met in Panama, and have been stationed together in Panama and Colorado Springs together. They have since settled down in Gilbert and we get together as much as possible. The kids are all a year behind our children, (except Colton ~ they stopped at 4), and Tresann followed Melissa getting married a year after she did. Both the VanDrews and us are hoping at least one set of our children marry.... either Tylan and Kia (they made a lot of plans while we visited them), or Quinn and Kayli. (Kayli is really shy, but Quinn always gets her to have a good time). Both are pictured together here. Kia is my special friend, as we both share a birthday, and I've seen her grow since her birth in Panama. We LOVE this sweet family, and count them as blessings in our lives! We're thrilled for Tresann and Justin, and wish them the very best in their lives. Maybe by next year, they will be anticipating the birth of their first grandbaby like we are this year.....

Christmas Fun

2008-12-29T14:55:00.001-08:00

A little Christmas fun... traditional jammies on Christmas Eve... they keep letting me take photos... though as they get older, they like it less. We hope your Christmas morning was wonderful. The very best part for us is always being with family. We missed Melissa and Jason this year, but Melissa is dilated to 1 and 80% effaced... that baby is on her way! We were also thankful to make a trip up to Mesa for 3 days to see family, and participate in our "other family's" wedding.

Things I've Done

2008-12-20T20:07:00.001-08:00

Okay, so I stole this from Andi... cute idea. I hope you all steal it too!

Things I've Done

Things I have done during my lifetime are in bold.
1. Started your own blog.
2. Slept under the stars.
3. Played in a band.
4. Visited Hawaii.
5. Watched a meteor shower.
6. Given more than you can afford to charity.
7. Been to Disneyland.
8. Climbed a mountain.
9. Held a praying mantis.
10. Sang a solo. A duet, but no solo!
11. Bungee jumped.
12. Visited Paris.
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea.
14. Taught yourself an art from scratch.
15. Adopted a child. (3 of them!)
16. Had food poisoning. and it hurts!
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty. She was closed, but we walked around her!!
18. Grown your own vegetables.
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France.
20. Slept on an overnight train.
21. Had a pillow fight.
22. Hitchhiked.
23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill. (in college, to go skiing)
24. Built a snow fort.
25. Held an alligator. (does petting one count? And he even peed on me)We were dumb enough to go on a crocodile hunt on the Chagres River in Panama.. and caught a 6 foot alligator.... so much fun!!
26. Gone skinny dipping. For me, it's chunky dunking....
27. Run a marathon.
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice.
29. Seen a total eclipse
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset.
31. Hit a home run.
32. Been on a cruise. a cruise around panama bay...
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person.
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors.
35. Seen an Amish community. Such a fun experience!!
36. Taught yourself a new language. Enough to survive nearly 3 weeks in India... learned some Marathi words so I could communicate with Levi.. and then living in Panama, learned enough spanish to shop shop shop!.
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied.
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person.
39. Gone rock climbing.
40. Seen Michelangelo’s David.
41. Sung karaoke.
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt.
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant.
44. Visited Africa.
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight.
46. Been transported in an ambulance.
47. Had your portrait painted.
48. Gone deep sea fishing.
49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person.
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris.
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling.
52. Kissed in the rain.
53. Played in the mud.
54. Gone to a drive-in theater.
55. Been in a movie. Does a commercial count?? Been in one of those.
56. Visited the Great Wall of China.
57. Started a business.
58. Taken a martial arts class.
59. Visited Russia.
60. Served at a soup kitchen.
61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies.
62. Gone whale watching.
63. Got flowers for no reason.
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma.
65. Gone sky diving.
66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp.
67. Bounced a check.
68. Flown in a helicopter.
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy.
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial.
71. Eaten caviar. and all I can say is YUCK
72. Been to Canada.
73. Stood in Times Square.
74. Toured the Everglades.
75. Been fired from a job.
76. Seen the changing of the guards in London.
77. Broken a bone.
78. Been on a speeding motorcycle.
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person.
80. Published a book. Does a photo book count?
81. Visited the Vatican.
82. Bought a brand new car.
83. Seen Bon Jovi in concert.
84. Had your picture in the newspaper. Slow day in small town... my baby shower made the front page
85. Read Gone With The Wind.
86. Visited the White House.
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating. A chicken, and it was forced upon me as a teenager.. gross!!
88. Had chickenpox. I've got scars to prove it!
89. Saved someone’s life.
90. Sat on a jury. Keep trying.. but never...
91. Met someone famous.
92. Joined a book club.
93. Lost a loved one.
94. Had a baby.
95. Seen the Alamo in person.
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake.
97. Been involved in a lawsuit.
98. Owned a cell phone
99. Been stung by a bee.
100. Totally copied a post from someone else's blog to your own. Just list type of posts.

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2008-12-17T14:22:00.000-08:00

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Get a “No More Peeks” FREE!!! This offer is being made to all my loyal customers. If you are a blogger, simply create a link on your blog to www.nomorepeeks.com using any of the following suggested informative paragraphs or make up your own and when I’ve received confirmation from you with a valid URL, I will send you one unit of your choice. The suggested texts use key words that will move up the site so many more women will exposed to the product. Do feel free to use your own words only or in combination with the suggestions. Keep us in business so the units will be available to all! Please send the URL and your size, color and fabric choice along with your mailing address to www. gail@nomorepeeks.com. Yes, you can get one for every unique website you link from. So let’s get this modest dressing idea out into the world. Talk it up and show just how satisfied you are with your No More Peeks. Thanks, Gail Richards, gmjr designs

2008-12-14T09:23:00.000-08:00

Okay, for all you friends of mine that were invited to this open house and didn't come, you missed a GREAT product. I LOVE this.. called No More Peeks. You have to buy one to try. I bought so many colors, because of course they come in many choices... and I have to have one for every color scheme of clothes. I don't normally "endorse" a certain product, but I can't imagine everyone not wanting one of these to try. AND you can check out the website... www.nomorepeeks.com This is the business of Gail Richards, a friend of mine, and I'm sold on this product. Now, for those of you who love layering with t-shirts, you might not want every color... but I get too hot in the summer to wear so many layers, and this is my answer. Yeah!! So, if you buy from the website, you of course have to pay shipping, if you call me or Gail and if you are local here, I would love to pick them up for you. (just so you know, I get nothing from this endorsement, I am NOT a paid advertiser, I am just excited about this product.

My cards....

2008-12-10T07:34:00.001-08:00

Okay, here's what I made for teacher gifts this year.... I love my crikut machine!!

All you do is choose what you want to make, then cut out the pieces (okay, Crikut cuts your pieces out with the push of a button), then glue them all on. Easy easy...

2008-12-09T08:36:00.000-08:00

I've been busy with my crikut, making cards for teachers gifts this year. I'll post photos after work today... been so fun.. and so time consuming too!

2008-11-30T20:51:00.000-08:00

I need to upload some more photos.... but for now... it's just words. Tonight I talked to Melissa, my baby having her own baby. She and Jason are just so excited. She is 34 weeks.... and has had an easy pregnancy. I do hope the delivery is the same... Melissa has never been one to handle pain, blood, needles.. well you get the idea. She is an incredible young lady.. and will be the best mom!! I heard Tylan's voice tonight too. He will be home the 19th, and we all can't wait. What is it about kids leaving home... you spend your whole life raising them to be good citizens, teaching them right from wrong.... how to do laundry and dishes... basically teaching them to live on their own, go, leave your home..... Then when the day comes and you leave them at college... they accomplish good things, they are good citizens, they do cook and clean and attend their church meetings, and they have strong testimonies. Okay, that's good.. but I'm not doing their cooking, or laundry... and it becomes a bit sad. Melissa has always prided herself on being so independent... but Tylan has always been a mommy's little boy. I love them both so much, and I'm so grateful for the time I had with them while they were home. But they don't live here anymore. Ouch! I'm so incredibly grateful that we didn't stop with just two kids.... while I could no longer carry my own children, I'm thankful that Kayli and Levi and Colton found their way into our lives. The time is going so quickly, in just three short years, Kayli will be off to college herself. How? When did the time start moving double?? Just some thoughts from a mom who would love time to slow down....