It's 2012...

and this year will bring many changes for our family. Good, and sad. But, that's normal, right?



It's been decided, after much thought, and a lot of police intervention, that Colton will be going into a residential treatment center. There are no places in the state of Arizona, so we are looking at what is best for him. We've narrowed it down to Colorado, Idaho, and maybe New Mexico. After Colton's doctor returns from his overseas trip, paperwork will be filled out, applications filed, and we wait 4-6 weeks to see what will be paid for.


I am sad. I feel like a failure. I realize this is not a reflection of my parenting, I realize I can't take the blame for him. Even though I know this, it still hurts. He is my child. I wish his birth parents knew how he is ending up. He is a broken child. I used to think love could fix anything. I'm beginning to believe that nothing can fix him.



My child has become a danger to me, himself. Our New Years Eve wasn't full of fun and games and fireworks. It was full of 3 policemen, 3 paramedics, 1 crime scene investigator, CPS, and Juvenile Detention. Colton spent the night. I was up all night, trying to figure out what in the world happened. I am under investigation with CPS. All because my child lies, lies, lies. CPS released him to me the next morning, but they are still going to investigate. Bring it on. I did defend myself from being kicked and punched. Everything else, he did to himself. Next time, and there will be a next time, I will take video. To protect myself.



Wayne is gone. He drove with Tylan back up to BYU. When he's gone, C takes me on, every time. And now that he knows someone listened to his lies, he is walking around here like a king, getting into things he knows he shouldn't, bossing everyone around. I can't touch him. I won't touch him. I barely talk to him. I still lock him in his room at night. We all lock our doors now. I have taken all my knives, forks, and most of my kitchen utensils in my closet. We'll use plastic until he leaves. Had he had something sharp on New Years Eve, I would not be here typing. I would be dead. It was so bad. I've never been more scared. So scared, that I even called a neighbor after I called 911. This neighbor kept C from getting me, and he took some punches of his own. I'm still unable to process everything.



Wasn't it just yesterday that we brought him home to live with us? Wasn't it just yesterday that he hugged me and said he loved me? He was so little, so cute, so funny. He was also mean, and screamed, and seemed so tormented by his past.



As a family, we will all decide what to do if residential doesn't help. C's probation officer (C was arrested for assault on me) told me that after only one night with him, she could tell he has a severe mental illness. She said she's seen many young men like him come through the system. They can't be fixed. Residential usually doesn't help, and they often are released. Then what to do. A court officer told us our last and only option will be to give up custody. Some children who have gone through trauma so young, can never be fixed. I started sobbing. She said it doesn't mean he won't be our son. We can have visits. But, some children are not meant to live in a family situation. Some children need constant supervision. 24/7 care. I already know C needs this. He can't go one hour without supervision, or a fire will be started, or someone will be hurt, or something will be broken. It's been that way for the last year especially.






So, 2012 will be an interesting year for us. There will be good times, many I'm sure. There will be sad times, and many memories will be made. I'm looking forward to good things happening. Even C will thrive under constant care.




Yes, it's 2012. Happy New Year!!