I haven't blogged for awhile. My heart is full, and feels like breaking. How do you grasp the fact that your child will never be "normal"? We knew right away after Colton came home that he had problems. We knew he was challenging, but we also knew we could handle whatever came his way. I'm not so sure anymore. I'm scared. I'm sad.
C has always given us a run for our money. When he was little, he was hyper. As he grew, we discovered learning problems. And now, he struggles with self-esteem, and mental illness. He's a sweet young man most of the time, but a few months ago, things started getting strange. Strange... that's the right word I think.
When our boys have turned 12, it's been an exciting time for them, for us. It means they get the priesthood. They are growing up. Leaving primary, and entering the youth program. It's a big deal in their minds. 12 has come and C still can't hold the priesthood because of the choices he continues to make. He wants too... but his mind is stronger than he is.
How do I as his mom, help him hear my voice instead of the one he hears in his mind? How do I help him understand that he doesn't have to do what that voice tells him to do? He is afraid of that voice. It is evil. So he listens. Is it real? How could it be real?????
New medication is calming the voices. But for how long? I cry all the time, and tears are flowing as I write my thoughts here. Those voices are strong, and evil, and my voice is soft and loving. Why wouldn't he choose to hear my voice instead?
It's not a choice he can make. As I study and learn about this horrible illness, the s word, I am afraid. I am afraid for C. I am afraid for our family.
Colton and I had a great talk the other day. We both cried. I told him he had to be pretty special to come to earth with such challenges. I told him he probably knew what he would have to endure, but decided to come anyway. I told him how much he was loved, not only by us, but by his Heavenly Father and Mother. They knew what he would have to endure. They knew he would struggle to come back to them. He knew, and he still wanted to come. He is brave.
As he spirals downhill so quickly now, I want to enjoy the time I still have left with him. I want to know him, and have fun memories with him. I want to enjoy my son, while I still can. I want him to have some good memories, some happy times, but then I wonder if it will even matter? Will he even be able to remember his family, his home, his life?
The one thing I cling to, is the fact that our Heavenly Father is merciful. C is loved by the one Father who will welcome him home with open arms, despite what he does here on earth. I don't believe C will be held accountable for his wrongs. He is receiving his own kind of punishment... punishment that should be for his birth parents, not him. C will receive a clean mind someday. The eternities will be good for him. I will have my whole boy, his personality whole again.
I love C. He's ours forever! How grateful I am for all that he's teaching me. How grateful I am that Heavenly Father entrusted us to be his family. He is special.
I love you C... forever and ever and always!
4 comments:
Heather, I am so sorry. I still remember teaching colton when he was 7 and he had such a strong and pure testimony. Thank you for being open about mental illness and so willing to work with him. I had a good friend whose family suffered a serious tragedy because her brother's mental illness was not addressed. Stay strong and know that you will also be blessed for all you are doing.
{{{HUGS}}} dear friend! I see your strong faithful testimony in all of this...I know that C's only chance was with you and your sweet family. He WILL have all of his memories someday and he is going to know the effort love and determination you all put forth in his behalf. Hang in there and Stay strong
Heather, I appreciate your openness and honesty. My heart aches for the entire situation. How precious our newborn spirits are, how everlasting and the ripple affect of people's bad choices, how difficult life can be, how beautiful your family is and your testimony of loving Heavnely parents. Thank you for putting your experience into words that can touch my heart!
I'm so so sorry to read about how heartbreaking this is. I can't even imagine how difficult this is for all of you. It's so hard to understand why/how these things happen that are beyond our control. Your faith and testimony are amazing Heather. Love you!
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