Graduation....

It's hard to believe that Kayli has graduated from high school! I remember when she looked like this....

Kayli has always enjoyed a special relationship with her siblings. And her daddy. She has always been a light in the room. She smiles and giggles, and we all smile and giggle. She tells stories and you can actually envision everything she is saying.. she leaves out no detail.. When she's sad, we all know it. She has gone through some tough trials in her short life, but she's a better person because of her struggles. She has always been a loyal friend. She loves animals, and because of her connection with animals of all kinds, will be attending a vet tech program, where we are sure she will succeed, and become the kindest, and probably most fun vet tech to work with!

As her mom, I've seen such growth in Kayli, especially this year. It's been fun to see her succeed both in athletics (holds two school swim records at Cienega HS), and academics (held a 3.8 and higher all year long), and life in general. She's taught me to be more patient. She's taught me to slow down, and listen. She's taught me to be kinder, and she's taught me it's okay to cry when you're sad. Kayli is our middle child. She has two older siblings, and two younger siblings. That is a unique spot to be in. But, she has lived that spot well.

We love you Kayli. We are so happy with the choices you are making in your life. We are so excited for your future! We look forward to you leaving for college (not because we want you gone, but because you will have such amazing adventures). We look forward to your visits home, and can't wait to hear your many, many stories. You are an amazing young woman, and we can't wait to see how you conquer the world!

Here we go...

I picked up Wayne and Colton from the airport last night. It was good to see them both, but C was dirty and disheveled. He hadn't done his laundry lately. He never liked doing it and was usually dirty when we came to visit. He likes his chaotic life.
His hair is longer, but he did look a little taller, and more filled out.


By the time I got to the airport, my eyes were wet with tears. D-day. Dread-day. C
didn't say much, except to ask if he was going home. He knew the answer, but I think he was still hoping I'd cave in. I WANTED to cave in. I wanted to just bring him home for the weekend, but I knew I couldn't do that. No one would sleep, and we all need sleep. So, he is currently at the Crisis Response Center here in Tucson. I wish I had known about this place sooner, it's amazing!




The weekend shift of CPS is busy, with not many working. The state is hurting for money, so I'm sure staff is short. We were to meet our CPS rep at the CRC, but she got called on another case, so we finished the intake, and were home just before 10pm.

Another 3 hours last night, waiting in a hospital, a doctors office, a lawyers office. Today, we'll get a phone call, and they'll tell us where his next stop will be. He will be heading back to a short term facility while they are trying to find a more permanent placement. He can't go to a home, with kids or windows. He needs more like a lock down facility like he just came from.


I cried a lot during the intake process. They took C first, and he was gone quite awhile. Then they had us come back to a separate room, and were interviewed. For some reason, many of our answers, didn't match. I told them that he lies all the time! I was hoping he would start off good, but lying is all he knows to do. I'm sure he's scared, and unhappy that he can't come home. But, he tends to move onto other more immediate matters.

So, though it feels good to have reached this point, we are scared, and sad. The CPS rep last night said if we go through with this, Wayne will lose his job. Threats?? I will call our attorney today, and get his reinforcement. Though fling a dependency is extrmemly serious with lots of consequences



... but it's also set up to keep the child safe from abusive parents. I'm pretty sure we were never abusive. All we've been to him is devoted, and always had the best care in store for him. Still do.










The CPS rep we talked to last night said that Wayne will lose his job if we proceed. I'll call our attorney, and a lady up in Mesa that did something very similar to what our family is experiencing.






So, we're done. For now. There are many more steps in this process over the next year, and all we can do is get on our knees, we love him, still.

Mother's Day...

should feel different. It should mean smiles, service, hugs and goodies from my husband and children, enjoying a beautiful church service. It used to be all of that and more. Yet, here I sit, while my family is at church. I had actually planned to go, and even try to stay all 3 hours. It's been a long time since I've been in Relief Society, and I actually miss it a lot. But, all I do is cry. I've noticed that since things are set with discharge and placement, I'm crying again. I just can't get a hand on what is happening to my family, my child.

And then my C called. My youngest child called to wish me a Happy Mother's Day. I couldn't even get through our conversation without crying, though I tried hard to hide it from him. He was happy and so upbeat. He was excited to know that he'll be discharged next Saturday. He knows he's not coming home, but he's ready for a change. We chatted a bit about the process, and then he asked if he would ever see his brothers and sisters again. I didn't know what to say. I just told him that the judge would ultimately decide how things would be. I pray hard that we will be able to still be in his life. I pray a lot about that.

So, instead of enjoying this one day a year that I usually get pampered and doted on, I sit in my pajamas, crying. I am just very sad. I understand these feelings are normal in my situation, and I do know that eventually, I'll get my emotions back on track. But, not today.

Today, I'll feel like a rotten mother. I'll feel like I failed. I will cry. And, that's okay.




Because,


Tomorrow, I'll get up and get on with all the fun things I do everyday. I'll make memories with my dad. I'll continue editing my latest photo shoot. I'll cook something interesting for dinner. I'll continue typing up Wayne's mom's life history. I'll play with the dogs. I'll love on my family that is here. I'll count my many blessings. I will serve someone else. I'll continue working on the seminary video, and enjoy all the pictures of the cute seniors this year. I'll clean the bathroom. I might still cry.









Mother's Day this year is different. But, I'm still a mom, who loves all of her children, even the one that seems hardest to love. And I'll look forward to next year,




and a much better Mother's Day.

No more crying...

because the tears are all dried up. It took a long time to get to this point, but I'm glad I'm here now.


Our attorney is so helpful, and even commented how much better I sound now. Not that I don't get sad anymore, but I can be sad and not cry about it all.


Colton calls more often now. Every time he calls, he only will talk to me. He always starts off by saying, "Mashal wants to know where I'm going?". I always tell him she and I have already talked and she knows. I tell him to stop lying to me. I ask him if he's lying, and he says yes. So, YOU want to know where you are going, right? Yes. Well, I say, you are not coming home. He asks ever? And I say again, ever. Then he starts the heavy breathing, and quiet anger building just before the rage. I usually calm things over and tell him the judge will let us all know what will happen. Colton jumps on it and says that maybe the judge will make him come home. I say maybe. He says, "so it's not bad news yet then, right? I say okay.

We've had this same conversation numerous times. I also remind him that we told him The Willow Springs Center was his last chance. We told him to take advantage of his time there, make good choices, and progress. If he didn't, he wouldn't be coming home. He wasted all of our time and money going to this center. He could have done better, but it's all everyone else fault. He blames the doctors, the therapists, his peers. But it's never his fault! It's someone else problem that he sexually assaulted a girl there. She wanted me too. Really? No Colton, you will never come home.


We fly to pick up Colton in a few weeks, and Wayne and I will have to be very careful and on guard. We may even have to tell him little lies to get him in Arizona. If he runs here, we'll have the police already notified, and ready. We are hoping a place will be lined up and we would like to just take him to that place. No matter how the exchange happens, it will be emotional and very ugly. I'm sure my tears will find their way to me again. If only for a moment.


We will be in court on and off over this next year. Our names will be smeared through the mud. We will be charged with a crime. All things I dread, of course. Our attorney said we will fight for a trial if the charges are not worded in what is best for us, so we may have a trial soon too.



Tylan when home this past week, put it all in perspective for us. Over 60% of his family will have been arrested. Nice. Who you say? Wayne, Me, Kayli, and Colton. Poor Melissa, Tylan and Levi. Well, someone needs to be left to bail us out, right?





If I don't laugh about it all right now, of course, those tears will find their way to my eyes, and then spill over... can't have that............... YET.

LIttle Blessings....

come just when you think things are at their worst.



Monday was such a hard day. We had to give our definitive answer to Colton's RTC, today. They need two weeks to release him, and our insurance runs out. I was dreading letting them know our answer when things looked so bad legally, and we hadn't yet talked with an attorney.

So... between the crying fits Monday, I called again numerous lawyers.... told them we were in an urgent situation. I did a lot of research on who these people were last week before I called. I hit one, and felt soooo good about him. I called him for the first time yesterday morning. He called back last night, after a long day in court. As I type this, the stomach ache is finally gone.

He will represent us. He will call CPS today, and find out exactly what they are planning. I have been so sick because of our impending charge, and what could have been an arrest. He made things seem much simpler, although it will be hugely emotional, especially when we turn over C. The counselor and doctor will focus on helping C understand why things are happening, and that we will still be his family, but he just can't live at home. According to the attorney, we'll still be able to have limited contact.


I hope I understood everything right. We meet with him next week. His daughter is getting married on Saturday, so no meeting this week. He said this can be a relatively simple procedure. Really? CPS can get nasty, but because of our case, he seems to think we could be charged with worse things if we bring him home and something happens. He did say we are not the first family to have to go through this. He's helping another family right now... different circumstances with the family, but same behaviors.


We are not alone. This can work out.


Little blessings. Seem really big right now!